Day Thirty: Lessons of Love

            Here we are, the thirtieth day of this experiment.  I can’t help but smile.  I made it and I made it here with your help, my dear readers.  For those of you who fret that this might be the end, I would like to assure you that I have decided to continue this experiment.  These writings have become a part of my sacred morning practices and I enjoy them immensely.  

            As this year closes I wondered what I could write about that would have special meaning.  For me, the lesson of self-love is one that is going to come with me into the New Year.  A few weeks ago I was having a discussion with my husband and I realized that I felt unworthy of love.  I felt that I didn’t deserve to be loved.  Despite his assurances that I do deserve love, I knew that I had to know it for myself.  He or anyone else could tell me I was loved all day long, but if I didn’t believe in my heart that I was worthy to receive that love then no amount of telling would make me believe.  For the last couple of weeks now I have set upon the quest of self-love.  I have incorporated affirmations of self-love into my morning practices and started being more mindful of what I am thinking about myself.  I realized I am hard on myself and I need to start being gentle.  It’s definitely a work in progress, but I embrace it joyfully.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn about self-love and to love myself for who I am without reserve.  I believe that we are all worthy of love and that we are all loved.  As you move into the New Year, I thank you for your support and remind you to love yourself.  You are Loved.

Day Twenty-Nine: Drops of the Divine

      Last night my friends (because they are ultra awesome), hit on a subject that I planned on writing about this morning.  I had been mediating yesterday morning and it was up and down.  I’d get a couple deep still breaths in there and then my mind would take over and start thinking about all the things I had to do at work, or what chores still needed to be done, or anything besides stillness.  Finally, I sighed and opened my eyes.  How can God get in, I wondered, with all that noise?  I believe that God/the Universe/Goddess gets through to us even if it’s a tiny one drop at a time trickle.  We are so busy filling up the cup of our minds that we don’t leave room for the divine to add anything.  I feel like my faucet is barely squeezing out that drop, that I’m only allowing enough space for that single drop, on good days I might get two in there.  I blast my music, spend hours on the computer, watch television and movies even though I’ve probably already seen them, anything to keep myself occupied and away from the stillness.  I feel afraid of the stillness, of the power within the stillness, the power within me.  I can sense the greatness in myself and it’s overwhelming, I want to tone it down hence all the outside stimuli.  When I am able to get to the quiet space I can feel just how intense and powerful I am, and not just me, but all of us, every human being on this planet.  We are so magnificent. 

Twenty-Eight: Another Good-Bye

            Today two of my friends are taking apart the last piece of the shop that I used to work at.  The original shop closed in June, but my one friend and the owner of the shop found an office space that worked for us.  She wisely took out a six month lease instead of a year; she just wanted to see how things would go.  Things went okay, but in the end it felt like many of the people we used to see every week had disappeared.  Last month, my friend decided that she was done.  She felt it was time to move onto something else.   It made me sad to think that there wouldn’t be even this thread of the shop left, but I think what I missed most was the friendship and camaraderie.  We spent four years learning and growing together our little group and there are times when my heart aches to think of it.  We have managed to stay in communication with the help of Facebook and a general willingness within all of us to keep the friendships alive.  We have weekly lunches that turned into dinners when I got a full time job, and we have made an effort to keep in touch with one another.  It would be easy to lose track of one another even though we all live close by, you can get caught up in life quite easy if you aren’t tending to the present moment carefully.  I feel so blessed to have so many good friends and as the door closes on this last part of the shop I knew and loved so dearly, I know that I am not saying goodbye to my friends.  Sometimes I wonder if my friend rented this space not as a space for the shop, but as a chance for us to strengthen all of our friendships even more, before finally letting the shop go for good.  It’s just a theory, but I think it’s an interesting one.  I look forward to our dinner tonight, where I will get to say Hello, rather than good-bye.

Day Twenty-Seven: Acceptance

            Something I’ve noticed in life is that when I accept things as they are in my life, especially people, things go a whole lot smoother.  Yesterday at work one of the women there got a little bit of an attitude with me over what I considered to be nothing.  I didn’t take it to heart, but I did wonder about the change.  Before that moment she had been friendly and helpful.  I realized that the trail period was over.  The people in the office are reverting back to who they “really” are, their “normal” selves.  This was the woman’s true personality showing itself.  It made me uncomfortable because I hadn’t seen this aspect of her.  When I realized it, the situation became easy to accept, because that’s just who she is.  I think it’s important to note that I’m not talking about standing by and allowing people to treat you like a doormat or allow someone to hurt you in any way.  I am talking about those little things that I can’t change, such as this woman’s personality.  I can get all upset about the situation and take things personally or I can accept that this is how she is and understand that I have the power of perspective.  I am never going to be able to change her, but I can change the perspective in which I view her.  Getting upset only hurts me and wastes my time.  Now if she were truly out of line I would have to make the decision of how to approach that situation.  In any case, I’ve found that once I accept something or someone as they are and here’s the catch, continue to accept them as they are every day, it never gets to that out of line point.  Acceptance just makes everything a little easier.

Day Twenty-Six: Random Thoughts

            I wasn’t sure what to write about this morning, as nothing has happened yet today except for me getting out of bed and getting my morning started.  It’s been a good morning, no denying that.  I feel giddy in anticipation of the day.  I am going to the gym tonight and I’m looking forward to a paycheck at the end of this week, at least I’m pretty sure we will get paid on Friday. I’m not used to the pay schedule yet.  I just feel like there is a lot to be thankful for and even more to be excited about.   Things don’t go perfectly all the time and that’s okay.  The hard part is remembering it’s okay when the “bad” stuff is going on.  It’s back to acting rather than reacting, which is an important lesson for me.  But right now I’m not thinking too much about lessons, I’m thinking about how to organize my day, what needs to be done first, second, etc.  I’m really looking forward to getting to the gym.  I loved my days off but I tend to eat too much when I have a lot of time on my hands.  Think I might need a new hobby.  It’s raining outside and chilly, but that’s okay.  Like I said things don’t have to be perfect, it’s all about our reaction or action towards them.  A little shift in perspective can change your whole day

Day Twenty-Five: Rested

            It’s been a glorious vacation and as this day comes to a close I am grateful for the rest and love I have received over the last four days.  Call me crazy but there is a part of me that is excited to go back to work, though of course slightly nervous about it as well.  I have managed to get some playing in and I feel confident that I will be able to adjust my schedule to include some playing from now on.  I’ve also got caught up on my house work and made plans to begin going through the things in the basement.  I feel it’s time to lighten the load.  I’ve taken a couple of naps, watched movies and eaten too much, but it’s been wonderful.  I’m grateful for my rest time and I look forward to tomorrow with eagerness and gratitude.

Day Twenty-Four: It’s a Beautiful Day

            The sun is shining and we have clear blue skies here in Tennessee.  I was hoping for some Christmas snow, but it wasn’t in the cards this year.  Last year we had snow early in December, but like my husband said he would rather have it sunny and warm then rainy and gloomy.  Good point.  The presents are unwrapped and the Christmas breakfast has been made and eaten.  I wonder if anyone else finishes with this Christmas morning routine and wonders now what?  Although I try to stay out of the crazy Christmas hustle and bustle as much as possible, you do get caught up in it a little bit and I found myself with empty hands not knowing what to do with myself today.  To tell the truth I feel like cleaning.  I have been a bit behind with my house chores with my new job and today I have an itch to get to cleaning.  I think my husband and I might go to the park and take a walk and then I think I might just let that urge to clean loose.  It’s been a wonderful Christmas and I hope everyone has a beautiful day. 

Day Twenty-Three: Believe

            It’s Christmas Eve.  That might seem like an obvious statement, but it’s an important one.  I can remember when I was younger, riding in the car on a crisp winter night to my grandparents house in Wisconsin.  I was nine or ten and I was fascinated by the full moon.  The light was reflecting off the snow and the world was so beautiful.  We went to my grandparent’s house every Christmas Eve and every Christmas Santa came ringing his jingle bells and bringing presents.  I was old enough to know the secret that my grandfather shared with Santa.  My belief hadn’t been shattered when I learned the secret, instead my belief grew stronger.  I knew Santa would be there tonight after dinner, ringing his sleigh bells, and of course he came.

            Years later when I was in my early twenties my mother stopped doing stockings for all the kids.  She believed we were all too old for that sort of thing.  I was heartbroken.  It wasn’t the stocking that held the magic of Christmas for me, I held that magic within me, but it felt like just because I was older that it was silly to believe in the magic of Christmas.  I got myself a Santa hat that said I believe and wore it every Christmas for the next half dozen years or so. 

            Then one Christmas about three years ago the magic went out of Christmas, like a bulb going out on a string of lights.  I had protected my belief of Christmas magic, but that year I was lost.  My husband was deployed again and I saw no point in decorating the house for just one person.  I put up the tree, but only half-heartedly.  The cats climbed in it and destroyed in, I wasn’t surprised.  The next year my husband was home, but I didn’t decorate again.  We put up the tree on Christmas Eve and I hadn’t even wanted to do that.  

            This year, I wanted a real tree.  I was hoping for a Blue Spruce, but settled on a Douglas Fir.  After a small mishap in trying to find a tree stand we managed to get our tree up.  Now the tree is decorated and the cookies are made.  The house isn’t decorated, but this time it’s not from lacking of wanting, I just ran out of time.  Last night we turned off all the lights in the house and sat in front of the Christmas tree.  As I stared at the colored lights, the pretty star and the garland that we didn’t quite have enough of the magic of Christmas began to stir again.  My belief is still there, waiting to be remembered.  It’s a tiny flame flicking in the face of doubt.  Tonight, I will go to sleep dreaming of snow, reindeer, and sleigh bells.  Tomorrow, I will love my husband and we will be together, holding each other in front of the tree. 

Day Twenty-Two: Get to Playing

            Today is the first day of my Christmas vacation, four whole days to play.  I’m so excited.  My alarm went off at six this morning and I didn’t even mind.  I’ve been trying to get my husband moving for the last two hours.  I’m giddy with the Christmas spirit and I’m ready to go out and have fun.  I know playing has become important to me because I’m dreaming about it now.  Last night I had a dream that I was trying to play on a playground, but every time I tried to get on something my husband would interrupt me and start working on it.  It feels important that I start adding some play time in every day.  For the last few weeks it was a rough schedule, school, work, come home and sleep.  I would just come home at night and pass out.  This week has just been work, but I’m still getting into the routine.  I feel like I have finally gotten used to the schedule and now it’s time to make some minor adjustments, like adding play time.  So, I’m going to head out and find myself some fun.  It’s going to be a wonderful day!

Day Twenty One: Almost Missed It

            I had a late night last night, so after one last day of work before the holidays, and an eye appointment I was pretty wore out.  I was just lying in bed and I realized that I hadn’t written for today.  I can’t miss it now; I’ve come too far to start over.  Besides, something happened today that shocked me and I wanted to share.

            I was coming home from my eye appointment.  It was dark and raining.  There is a back exit to the parking lot and after weaving my way through holiday traffic I made it to the small cut through.  It’s two lanes and not well lit.  In the right lane, the lane I needed to be in, were three young men, probably about sixteen to eighteen years old.  All three of them were dressed in black and they were walking down the lane taking up the space.  I would have to cut all the way over into the left lane to pass by them, which is exactly what I did.  I didn’t speed past them; I was just driving normally, trying to get home, when one of the boys jumped at my Jeep.  He was probably showing off for his friends, but it shocked me terribly and my reaction was instant.  I swerved away from the boy and my Jeep immediately fish-tailed.  The boys (I’m sorry I can’t call them anything but that no matter how old they might have been), had to jump out of the way.  For one instant, I’m sorry to say, there was a part of me that wanted to hit them.  It would serve them right.  Who would do something so stupid?  Now it’s true, he didn’t actually touch my Jeep that I know of, but I felt instantly threatened.  When I got home a few minutes later I was still deeply troubled both by the incident and my reaction to it. 

I am not the type of person who wants to hit people with her Jeep, threatened or not, at least I didn’t think so. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why someone would do that, especially given the conditions.  Wet, dark, they are dressed in black and in the middle of the road, how dumb can you be?  Then you jump at someone’s vehicle.  That sounds like a good way to get hit or shot.  I watched the boys walk away, thankfully unhurt but as I said I was unhinged by the event.  Why had I reacted so badly?  I realized for a moment, and keeping in mind this incident only took seconds, I felt a burst of rage.  It was as though my survival was being threatened in some way and I reacted purely out of instinct.  I didn’t like that reaction.  I wish I could have remained calm and just kept driving, but I didn’t.  I got angry, I got scared, and they nearly got hit. 

It’s this type of default reacting that I’m working to eliminate in myself.  I don’t want to be shooting from the hip, I want to be able to assess a situation and move through it without that type of reaction response.  I know I have a long way to go, but I see incidents like these as stepping stones to help you become more aware of what you need to work on.  I hope that someday I’ll be able to keep my calm and act rather than react to the situation.

Day Twenty: Glad I Let that Go

I officially have to give out a, my bad.  I guess it’s a good thing that I decided to let the situation go last week with the woman who was training me because guess what, she was right.  I was going through my notes today retyping everything and I found a section in my notes on how to do the deposit including the computer input information.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was completely convinced that I had never seen how to enter the information, but here in my notes was the proof, in my own hand writing even.  I sat and stared at it for a few minutes, I felt a little shocked.  I thought that I was right (let's face it I was  convinced I was right) and it turns out that I was wrong, completely wrong in fact.  Realizing this made me feel relieved that I had let the situation go.  I’m more than willing to own up to my mistakes and I have to say in this case I was wrong.  Just one more reason that you might want to let that argument go.  You might find out a week later that the other person was right.

Day Nineteen: Six Impossible Things

        I remember in Alice in Wonderland, Alice talks about thinking of six impossible things each morning.  Yesterday, I read a short story by one of my favorite authors and she said that her and her daughter put this into practice once.  I thought it would be a wonderful way to be creative in the morning, so I thought I would give it a whirl.  Problem is, I can’t think of anything.  I tried to think of something personal, like I get a free lunch today or I’m able to buy a house, but those didn’t seem very creative.  I was trying to think of something less practical, but I keep coming up with practical things.  Peace between nations, a quiet Christmas with a snowfall of 1 – 3 inches, things like this kept popping in my head.  I think I’m going to have to take a little bit more time and dig a little deeper to find those wonderfully impossible things.  The practical things are nice (lunch would be wonderful), but I see this more as an exercise in creativity, in expanding the mind.  Even the word exercise is too practical.  It’s a game.  A wonderfully creative game.  I just need to remember how to play.

Day Eighteen: Safety Net

            Today is my first day on my own at work.  My trainer has moved on, in fact she moved on late in the afternoon on Friday.  I was out doing the route and when I returned she was gone.  I knew that her and her husband were wanting to get on the road as they had a long drive ahead of them, I just didn’t want her to leave.  I wasn’t ready for her to leave.  I knew I was going to have questions that she wasn’t going to be there to answer.  I nearly cried when I came back to the office and realized that the office was now mine.  My responsibility, my job.  I was overwhelmed and I felt like throwing up. I managed to make it through the last hour of the day and I also managed to stick to my targets this weekend.  Every once in awhile the thought of Monday would well up in my mind up I gentle let it go.  I would deal with Monday on Monday.  Guess what, it’s Monday folks.  I’m nervous to say the least.  I know when I walk through that door this morning that there will be many responsibilities that I will need to fulfill.  Everyone has been kind in the Lab, especially my two bosses.  Both have told me that we will take it slow until I am more comfortable.  My one boss, who is also a good friend of mine, told it to me like this, “You are going to make mistakes.  It’s okay.  The important thing is that we catch the mistake, then correct and learn from the mistake.”  I realize no one in the office is going to be keeping a tally of my mistakes; it’s just hard to make mistakes.  I feel like there’s still so much I don’t know or at least that I don’t know well.  Some things we were only able to go over a couple of times since my first week was all half days.  I am constantly reminding myself to be gentle with myself.  After all this is my first day working without a net.

Day Seventeen: A Little Watery

            My husband went into the basement this morning to bring up our Christmas decorations.  I was doing dishes when I hear him calling me.  It sounded like he said there was water in the basement, but I was hoping I heard wrong so I went into the basement to get the real story instead of yelling back and forth.  Oh no, I heard correctly.  Thankfully I tend to pack in plastic bins so we didn’t lose a large amount of stuff, but the water heater is definitely leaking.  I have to admit that this coming on the heels of a broken fridge is probably not going to make the owner of the house happy, but there’s not much we can do about it.  I’m just grateful that we caught it before it spread too far.  Tomorrow I’ll be making a call to our landlords. Today I’m going to put up Christmas decorations.

Day Sixteen: Who's Right?

            Have you ever been in a situation when you know you’re right, but another person is convinced that they’re right?  I had that happen to me that other day.  I was in the office doing and the woman that was training me was going over how to do a deposit.  Now, I admit that I ask a lot of questions and I second guess myself a lot, but I knew I hadn’t learned how to enter the information into the computer.  She asked me if I remembered how to do it and I replied that I hadn’t learned how yet.  She was convinced that she had taught me and I was equally convinced that she hadn’t, especially after she showed me how to do it.  She reminded me of the week before when she had shown me how to do the deposit.  I remembered learning the slip but not the computer portion.  I just knew I hadn’t.  We were both convinced that we were right and we were locked in our positions.  Finally, I just let it go and learned how to do what I needed to do.  I realized it didn’t matter who was right or wrong, it just mattered that I learned how to do my job.  People tend to get caught up in the right and wrong battles.  It causes an incredible amount of stress and anxiety.  In this case, I still believe that I was correct, but I decided that it was more important to learn than to be right.  Next time you find yourself in that right and wrong battle ask yourself, is it more important that I insist that I’m right or can I be secure with myself enough to accept the situation and move on?  I’m not talking about giving away your power or being a door mat.  I’m saying find out what’s really important in the situation and go forward from that perspective.

Day Fifteen: Appreciate People as They Are

            Sometimes it’s difficult to see people as they are.  We can’t figure out why that man at work is always rude, or why the cashier has to tell us about her life story while checking out our groceries.  Often we form instant judgments about people who act outside of our perceived norm.  Even a group of people laughing can cause someone to look down on them or be rude.  Instead of making instant judgments it would be wonderful if we could all just take a deep breath and accept.  Perhaps that cashier doesn’t get to talk to anyone at home perhaps there is no one at home to talk to.  Taking a couple minutes out of your day to listen might prove beneficial to both of you.  That man at work may have suffered a loss in his family or maybe he is just a grumpy rude person.  The point is that once we accept these people as they are and stop fighting against them (and their personality quirks) life becomes much easier.

            I had a gentleman in one of my classes who was the grumpy guy.  He was an older gentleman, about sixty-five, and he had an opinion about everything.  This man was not gentle with his opinions either, he just threw them out there, not caring if it hurt someone’s feelings or not.  When it was my turn to share a story with the class, the first thing he said was that the opening paragraph was bullshit.  That was the word he used and believe me, my feelings were hurt.  The next couple of weeks were uncomfortable in class.  It was clear that I was hurt and it was clear that he didn’t care.  He would come into class and greet every person by name except me.  Then an idea hit me.  What if I just forgave him for being an ass, because that’s who he was?  He’s sixty-five and very set in his ways.  I could sit in class day after day feeling sorry for myself, but he was being rude to other people and they just moved on.  So one day I waited for him after class and told him that I appreciated his feedback.  Needless to say he looked shocked.  He said he thought he had been too harsh, but he was glad to hear that I wasn’t mad at him.  Everything cleared up after that day.  I’m not saying he turned nice, he was still a mean old guy, but I understood and accepted that was who he was.  Things got easier for me once I just accepted who he was and stopped pushing and struggling against it.  No I didn’t want him to be mean to me, and I certainly don’t condone him being cruel to people, but I do understand that there is something deeper behind it and I know from experience that once you take that deep breath and say okay I accept this is how you are life gets easier.  You’re the only one that can change the way you feel about someone.  If you feel angry because someone is mean to you, you’re only hurting yourself.  They might be able to sense that you are angry, but they either won’t care or can’t care (in some cases).  Changing your perspective helps you release that anger or whatever emotion you are struggling with.  It’s an ongoing process.  I know with the man in my English class I had to catch myself a few times and remind myself that, that is how he was and I didn’t need to react or judge it.  Accepting people as they are isn’t going to make your life perfect, but it will help release some of the tension and stress you have been struggling with and that is one step closer to relief. 

Day Fourteen: Taking Aim

           I tend to be a worrier.  I try not to be, but the trying doesn’t work very well.  I just end up worrying about worrying.  The other night I was worrying about work.  I was talking to my husband about my fears about my first day alone on the job.  There’s just so much to learn and remember and I was worried about it all.  After hearing me out for a while he told me that he had an army analogy for me to help me with my worrying.  He said, “In the military, you shoot the target that closest.  You shoot that one first and worry about the ones in the back later, because they are far away.  That gives you time to aim properly.  It doesn’t make sense to aim at the targets in the back first.  If you did that you would miss the ones up front and you probably wouldn’t hit the ones in the back either.  So do the same thing with life, aim for the target that closest.”  To me, this felt like an analogy for staying in the now.  I was so focused on worrying about the future that I was missing what was right in front of me.  Now I’m making it a daily practice to check, what am I aiming at today?  I want to hit my targets, but I have to be focused and aware of what position they are in so I can take careful aim.  I need to take my time with the ones that are far away (in the future) and aim for the ones that are up close and personal so I can actively participate in my life instead of just worrying about it all the time. 

Day Thirteen: Final Exam Day

            Today I take my last two final exams.  One is online and the other is on campus.  I haven’t done a lot of studying since I started my job, but I’m not worried about it.  I will go in, do the best I can and move on.  The truth is I’ve already moved on.  Today just makes it official for me. 

Day Twelve: Declaration and Co-Creation

            My personal beliefs are that we are co-creators of the world around us.  With that in mind I found myself seriously frustrated during the last two to three months.  My life felt stuck.  Every time I asked for something I felt like I wasn’t getting it or worse I was getting the opposite.  I thought, I’m doing my spiritual practices every day why am I not getting any results, why am I still so stuck?  When I took the time to look at what I was asking for, I realized that I had nothing specific in mind.  I was just saying show me the way or tell me what to do.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ask for divine guidance or to allow ourselves to be moved in a certain direction that’s definitely part of the co-creation process.  Sometimes we lead and other times we are led.  The same day that I was looking at my situation I decided that I needed to make declarations.  I needed to be specific in what I was asking for or at least be more specific. I wrote down four declarations in my journal.  The first was to get a job.  I said I wanted a job where I could learn and grow, good pay, nice people and safe.  My second declaration was that I wanted to get into a more serious practice with my writing.  I wanted to be doing it every day.  I knew once I was finished with school it would be easy to put my writing on the back burner, so I wanted to develop a good writing habit before the semester ended.  

            Less than a week later my first declaration of a job came through.  Around that same time I started working on this writing experiment.  Declaring something to the Universe doesn’t mean that your job is done, you still have action that you need to take.  You can’t just wish for a job and then sit on the couch all day.  For my part in getting the job, I declared that I would like a job and things that I would like to accompany that job.  I also talked to my friends about my declaration and the last thing that I had to do to complete the process was complete a resume.  I honestly feel the hardest part was remembering to ask for what I wanted.  I think it’s important that we keep in touch with God/Goddess/the Universe (or whatever name works for you) on a daily basis.  We need to declare what we would like to create today and ask for assistance in co-creating whatever that is in our lives.  I think when you begin to make this a daily practice you’ll be shocked at how quickly things begin to appear in your life. 

Day Eleven: Spiritual Food

            Yesterday was a pretty fabulous day as predicted, mostly because I got to spend time with my friends.  We just started trying to find a church, which was one of the things we went to do yesterday, besides eating. We used to get what we call our spiritual food from the shop that one of my friends owned.  It was a place where we could all come together and talk and share our experiences.  This shop closed down the middle of this year and we all found ourselves hungry.  Church really isn’t something that is that we reach for.  We are more spiritual than religious and church tends to fall into the religious category, however we still decided to be open minded and give it a try.  There are a couple of churches in the area that fall under a more spiritual umbrella so of course these were the ones we wanted to attend or at least give them a trail run.  The first church we went to was okay.  There were several good points and a few not so good points.  This weekend we went to the second church on the list.  On the way there I told my friends that going to the first church had opened my eyes to see that I was getting spiritual food every day through my morning practices.  I hadn’t realized that until we went to church.  Somehow my own practices didn’t feel good enough, but after we went to that one service I realized that I was feeding my soul a little bit each morning and I wasn’t feeling such an urge to go to church.  After this second service my friends were inclined to agree that maybe they needed to incorporate some or more spiritual practices in their lives.  The service was exactly what we weren’t looking for, but in a way that was okay.  It helped us see exactly what we were looking for and gave us the motivation to either continue finding our own food or to begin setting up practices that fed us.  It wasn’t the best experience, but it certainly could have been worse and we did get a good message from it.  Find your own food and you will find great satisfaction.

Day Ten: Not so Sure

       I have a feeling by the time this day is over I’ll have something that I wish I had posted for this morning.  I feel tired this morning and I considered holding off writing this until tonight, but I thought if I do that then I might not write it at all I don’t want to have to start over.  I think it would be awesome to end on the 31^st of December, so here I am writing.  Not writing very well mind you, since I feel like I have nothing to share yet today.  Today’s plan, hang out with friends, go to a crystal show, eat too much, drink too much, have a blast, come home and do the last of the homework I have to do.  Sounds like a fabulous day.  I hope each and every one of you has a fabulous day too!

Day Nine: Finding Silence

            Yesterday, I had an interesting experience that I thought I would share with you.  The gutter on the house we rent had partially fallen off and we just recently were able to get the landlord to repair it.  Unfortunately rain water had already rotted out the wood around our backdoor and the base plate for the door popped off, so we were unable to use the door.  The landlord sent the repairman out and he took a look and decided that the whole door needed to be replaced.  Okay, no problem.  Yesterday my husband calls me to let me know that the repairman should be coming in about twenty minutes.  I was still in bed so I got myself up.  Luckily, I did get up right away because literally two minutes later there was a knock on the door. 

            Normally, this would have thrown my whole day out of whack.  Just a few minutes after waking I have two repair guys in my house, tearing off trim and unscrewing hinges.  Hammers and drills right away in the morning is not the way I would choose to wake up.  I like to take my time, going into my meditation room and doing what I call my morning stuff.  I wish I had a better word for it than stuff but it’s a compilation of well, stuff.  I do affirmations, I write three pages in my journal, Reiki principles and then a morning meditation.  This is my sacred time.  I light incense and a candle and close the door to give myself this hour of personal time before starting my day.  Now that plan is being torn apart by these guys thundering around my house.  Or was it?  My husband made it home about fifteen minutes later and I felt this strong pull to go do my morning stuff despite all the noise.  So I told him where I was headed and went to my room.  

            I expected that I would be distracted but I wasn’t.  I worked my way slowly and carefully through my morning process and I didn’t feel disturbed at all.  I felt like I was in my own little bubble of silence, something that I had been building on each day that I took time for myself.  Instead of my morning being screwed up, I had a wonderful experience and I realized that no matter what was going on, on the outside, I can always find the silence on the inside.  It just takes a little practice.

Day Eight: In the Middle of the Night

Tell me that made you start singing.  That would make my day.  Why is it that our best ideas often come to us at night?  Personally, I think it’s because we finally relax enough and let go of control long enough for spirit to pop in and say hello.  All day long we are fighting with the current, but when we lay down to sleep we release the oars and relax into life.  I sometimes think that if we could live the way we sleep, meaning releasing the need to control and be relaxed, we would have fuller happier lives.  Think of all the unnecessary tension that we create for ourselves and if you really look at your busy life you realize you really did create it all.  Every little bit is self-created.  Realizing this gives you the choice to change it.  You can look at your life and begin to release that control and allow spirit to flow into your life instead of just trickling in when you fall asleep. 

Day Seven: The Courage of an Artist

            I had something really cool that I was going to talk about for today.  Thought of it while I was on my way to work. Now of course it’s gone, I forgot to write it down.  Classes are over, which is a relief to me.  Just one final exam next week and it will all be over.  I had one event that I had to attend last night, for my Fiction Workshop class.  I really didn’t want to go.  Not because I didn’t want to see the speaker, but because my brain felt like aliens were trying to eat it.  I don’t remember ever having a headache that bad.  I went to the event, head pounding and all, and to be very honest I’m glad I did.  The speaker was my Fiction Workshop professor (no he didn’t require us to go see him; it was just the one event that I could actually get to).  He was reading from his collection of short stories that had just been published.  The story he read was excellent, it captured me enough to forget about my aching head.  For a moment I could see myself on stage reading from my book.  I wanted to experience that moment of triumph.  My professor had told us to send a little email telling him that we had been at the reading and he would give us credit for the event.  I sent him one as soon as I got home thank him for being an inspiration.  I should have also added, “Thank you for having the courage to continue writing, even when it was hard, not knowing if you would be published, and for showing the writers in the audience that it can be done.”  I truly believe it takes a great amount of courage to create and maybe even more to put it out there for rejection or approval.  I think artists are some of the most courageous people I know.  Seeing my professor on stage gave me courage to keep writing.

Day Six: Scratch That

            Yesterday I was talking about not putting a negative status up on Facebook because when people read it the energy behind it is multiplied.  Yesterday morning went from bad to worse to frickn’ terrible in the matter of just a few hours.  I was able to pull myself out of it, but not before I posted my status on Facebook.  I put something along the lines of “I feel a primal scream coming on.”  So much for that idea.  Although I managed to turn my day around and I changed my status to something more positive this event made me realize how seductive drama can be.  We want to stew in it and share it; at least I know I did.  By posting my pain I wanted people to acknowledge me and tell me it’s going to be okay, even though I know it will be okay and that I’m the only one that can make that happen.  Once I changed my attitude I also changed my status because I realized I was just spreading the drama.  We all have drama (although the amount of drama varies) in our lives, we just need to be careful who we share it with and what our reasons and motivations behind sharing it.

Day Five: Multiplication

            I had an interesting thought that other day while I was scrolling through Facebook.  If you put something negative up for your status like, Today sucks, or I’m having a crappy day, you are just multiplying the energy behind that statement.  Sure people are going to post things about you having a better day but every time someone reads your status it reinforces the fact that you are (and will continue to have) a bad day.  I’m going to go ahead and say that if you are posting about needing healing or prayers, okay not a problem, because your focus is on fixing the problem.  I admit to posting a negative comment now and again, but after thinking about the energy that ends up behind these statements, I think I’d much rather post something positive.  Or like mama used to say, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Day Four: Transitions

There are only three days left of this semester and I am burning for them to be over.  I suppose that means I’m not in the now, but I think I can live with it.  Last night I sat down to write out the last paper I will have to write for my Brit Lit class.  I have one more paper to write for another class and then I’m finished.  The last week has been a transition period for me as I move out of school into work.  This week will continue that trend which is why I feel so antsy.  I feel I’m ready to be done, ready to move into the next stage of my life.  I realize that transition time is a good thing, but I’m so done with school.  I appreciate everything I’ve learned and that I had the opportunity to attend college.  This semester taught me all about crafting my writing, how to write with precision and how to look at my work with a more critical eye so I can catch some of the things that I do that I never noticed before.  I have one final exam this semester, again in Brit Lit and then I’ll be finished.  I feel my job right now is to settle myself and accept these last days of transition.  Once I get through them I’ll truly be ready to move forward.

Day Three: Home Finder

            I find the title of this little blurb amusing because it’s pretty close to the name of my landlord and they are the reason that we are now looking for a new place to live.  The Wednesday before Thanksgiving our fridge went out.  As soon as I figured that out, i.e. the next time I reached into the fridge, I called our landlord.  No answer.  It took us seven and a half days to get a fridge.  In that time neither the people from the emergency line nor our landlord ever called to apologize for our inconvenience.  I had called on Tuesday to ask if we would be receiving any compensation.  Now, I didn’t expect them to pay for all the food we lost, but the last time something like this happened to us they knocked a little off our rent.  It was a certain percentage per day.  The woman who answered the phone said she would have to talk with the manager and she would call me back.  Raise your hand if you’re surprised to hear they didn’t call me back.  Any who, I  had to go Thursday to pay my rent so I brought up the compensation.  The woman went, “Oooh, yeah that, I just talked with her this morning and she said no compensation.”  Then I get pissed.  I not so subtly asked when we would be able to turn our thirty days in, in the event that we decided to move.  She let me know that we could let the landlord’s know any time as long as we gave thirty days.  Fantastic.

            Now comes the slightly more complicated part.  As I was explaining this story to my friends, I mentioned that I had already been looking around on the internet.  I said I had found a really cute one that I would like to go look at.  My one friend said, “That’s good, but you don’t want to buy here do you?  I mean you don’t want to stick around this area.”  Damn.  She’s right.  In some ways Clarksville has become my home.  By saying some ways what I really mean is I’ve just been here so damn long that it’s become home.  I have some other plans rolling around in my brain and not many of them involve settling down in Clarksville TN for the rest of my life.  So that leaves me not sure what to do.  Finding another place to rent wouldn’t be hard, but that would mean we would need to come up with security deposit and all that good stuff.  I realize when you buy a house there’s closing costs, but last time we were able to roll those into our loan.  We have to stay somewhat close to Clarksville because of our jobs (it gave me a thrill just then to write our jobs, I have a job!)  Staying in this house is not a very feasible idea.  I decided to wait until after the holidays and then see where we’re at.  After all, “There’s no place like home!”

Day Two: Giving Back

           Last night was one of those really great nights.  With the help of some of my close friends I was able to take one step closer to understanding myself, understanding my husband, and understanding the relationship that we have.  I feel truly blessed to have friends that will sit and listen to me blather on about an argument I had with my husband about a light switch.  I had lasted four hours, (the argument not the conversation with my friends) and it was so stupid.  I could see where I made mistakes and put my husband on the defensive and unfortunately I did that right away so not a good start for us.  My one friend, let’s call her J.B. understood my husband’s position and was able to explain it to me.  She pointed out that she would have done/said the same thing.  The whole conversation gave me clarity, but when I woke up this morning I was thinking, I hope I gave the same back to them.
            In any relationship I feel there needs to be an exchange.  Last night my friends helped me see things from a different perspective.  It’s my hope that I was able to reciprocate that.  I don’t want to be that crazy friend who is always sucking her friends dry, going over the same issues over and over again.  Number one I hope I can move on at some point through growing and learning, and number two I want to be a sounding board for me friends.  After all it’s not all about me.  One problem that I have is an inability to shut up sometimes.  This usually occurs when I am really excited or when I’m really pissed.  My mouth takes control.  There have been times when I am arguing with my husband and thinking to myself, why can’t I shut up?  So I hope that I shut up long enough to help my friends, to give them the tiny nudges that they are looking for to move forward in their growth.  If not, I give them permission to duct tape my mouth shut so they can get a word in edgewise. 

Day One: Take Two

            Building a new habit can be a pain in the ass.  Funny how I’m doing this by choice.  I started to wonder if this was a bad time to start trying to write every day for thirty days, but then I thought, when would it be a good time.  When I missed day three, I planned to make it up on day four.  Of course, then day four got away from me.  I was feeling pretty down.  I thought geez I can’t even make it past day three?  Really?  Yes, I have a lot going on in my life but the more I thought about all those things the more I thought, those are just excuses, they are not the real reason that you (meaning me) are not writing.  I was going to give up, that’s the truth.  I thought well if I can’t even do three days in a row how am I going to do thirty?  That’s when I got mad at myself and thought damn it this is my blog I can restart this damn experiment as many times as I need to and more than that I am GOING to restart it until I get thirty days in a row.  So if I miss a day I get to start all over.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do this, hopefully some part of me will kick in and realize how important this is to me and to my writing.  I’m just going to keep shooting this scene until I get thirty in a row.  So here we go folks, Thirty Days take two!

Day Two

I was hoping to have something inspiring to say on the second day of writing, but the truth is I’m just a teensy pissed off at the moment.  While I sit trying to meditate on the oneness of all things the world keeps blowing up in my face.  Every time something happens I do my best not to become one with my overwhelming emotions, but so far I’m not succeeding.  So just for tonight, I’m going to let myself be pissed off.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

A Little Something New

Today I’m starting something new.  I’m making a goal to write every day.  It doesn’t have to be much, just a couple of lines or a paragraph or two, but I must write every day.  I haven’t posted on this blog since April, so I doubt too many people are going to notice if I start writing on here again and that’s fine by me.  Mostly because I’m afraid I’m going to fail in this goal.  I am going to try this new fangled concept of writing a little each day for thirty days.  It’s doesn’t matter what I write as long as I am writing.  So here’s what we will start with for today.
The past two days depression has been creeping up on me again.  I hate the way I feel when it starts to overwhelm me.  I don’t like sitting around moping, it’s just not my thing.  I look for ways to improve my situation like happy music or inspirational books, but I haven’t been having much success.  There are a lot of changes coming in my life and honestly some of them scare the crap out of me.  One major thing in my life is my writing or my lack thereof.  So that’s why I’m starting this experiment.  I’m a writer and I need to be writing.  Sometimes I wonder if my lack of writing is what causes some of the depression.  It’s the denial of my own creativity.  I don’t allow myself to write because I am afraid of my own potential.  I have several journals that I write in but one is my emergency journal.  It’s the one I write in when I’m sobbing uncontrollably and can’t seem to get a handle on life.  It’s the one where I talk to God/Spirit/the Universe whatever name you want to give it.  I realize I’m not the first person to have a conversation with God, but when I do sit down and give in to the experience I always come away with some measure of peace and the motivation to keep going one more day.  At the very least (and I would certainly not count this in the least category) I know that I am loved and loved unconditionally. 

Sucks To Be Me (Long Ridge Assignment)

Here is the complete story for my assignment.  Needed to be 750-1000 words.  Managed to hit exactly 1000 words on the first try.  Go me! 

“At the light, turn right onto Seventh Street.”

“Bloody, GPS.  I already turned onto Seventh Street and then you brought me back here.”

Obstinate, yet obedient, Misty turned the wheel guiding the car back down Seventh.  She slowed to a stop allowing a pair of pedestrians to cross the street illegally.  One of the men had bright green hair, shaved into a Mohawk.  The remaining hair had been twisted into spikes protruding down the middle of his head, greatly resembling some prehistoric dinosaur.  The other man wore saggy pants and an equally saggy shirt, that revealed more than one tattoo carved into his person.  Misty was careful to avoid eye contact with the men, peaking out of the corner of her eye at them, while double checking to make sure the car doors were in fact locked.  The car was moving again before the men had stepped onto the sidewalk, soliciting an appraising look from both men. 

Just ahead was Cadwell Street, one of downtowns main drags.  It would have been a comfort to turn down that street, even with all the traffic it tended to produce.  If the GPS insisted on repeating the same set of directions it had given Misty the first time, and it looked like that was more than a good possibility, Misty knew she would turning down Pinehurst.  Not only was it an unfriendly street, but it was also temporary home to a broken down car that Misty had already passed by once. 

“No,” Misty reassured herself “I’m sure they’ve gotten help by now.”  Misty didn’t want to be considered a gawker, nor did she want to feel guilty for passing the family by, again.  On her first pass a middle aged man, with dark hair, had waved at her, obviously asking her to stop.  He was wearing a red flannel shirt and blue jeans, nothing too menacing there, but you couldn’t be too careful.  Axe murders seldom look like axe murders, though they rarely toted their families around either.  Misty’s knowledge of axe murders stretched no further than the movies she had seen, but those were enough.  Fiction or no, the possibility seemed real enough, especially on a dark street, in a bad neighborhood.  On passing the car, Misty had seen a woman in the front seat of the car bouncing a very unhappy baby in her lap.  Instead of stopping Misty had accelerated. 

“Sorry, but it sucks to be you.” She said without any rancor.  It wasn’t meant to be a comment of cruelty, simply one of fact.  Still, guilt pricked her as she recalled her words. 

That had been her first time around this circle, though one might suppose the course she took was actually more rectangular in shape.  The GPS gave the order to make the turn onto Pinehurst, shaking Misty back to the present and her own unfortunate situation.  Being lost was one thing, being lost in an endless loop was quite another.  Misty turned down Pinehurst, hoping in vain that the GPS would somehow magically produce the correct set of directions to the conference.  For the last ten minutes her cellphone had been beeping at regular intervals.  Text messages from her friends, no doubt wondering where she was.  Misty hadn’t bothered to check the phone preferring to allow her friends to blow up her phone, while she kept two hands on the wheel and her eyes on the road.

As she made her way down Pinehurst she could see the broken down vehicle once again.  The same man was standing on the curb, the same look of distress on his face.  As she neared the vehicle, Misty saw a look of recognition register on his face.  Given the general lack of traffic on this street Misty knew it was probable that the man recognized both car and driver.  Recognition changed into hope and the man stepped from the curb once more, probably assuming that Misty’s return signaled rescue, it did not.  Misty shook her head at the man, and once again hit the accelerator. 

Why didn’t the family have a cellphone, Misty wondered to herself.  These days it seemed like an anomaly that someone not have a cellphone.  The beeping of her own phone had finally ceased and she gave it a small reassuring pat.  Glancing at the GPS, Misty could see that she was in fact going to be making a circle.  She decided to find a place to pull over on 27^th Street, her next turn.  It wasn’t much better than Pinehurst, only slightly.  Misty’s inability to parallel park made life difficult in an area that demanded both residence and guests to be able to squeeze a car into the smallest spaces.  If things continued the way they were in GPS hell, Misty knew she would take a right on 27^th, then a right on Nantucket, then right back onto 7^th.  As if to confirm her fears the GPS piped up again.

“Travel 2.7 miles staying in the right lane.  Turn right at the second stoplight onto Nantucket Street.”

In frustration Misty smacked the steering wheel with the flat of her hand.  Damn it, now she would have to call her friends, how embarrassing.  She had been so sure she could find the conference hall.  She reached for her cellphone, but no sooner had she taken her hand off the wheel when an unfamiliar and somewhat frightening thunk noise starting coming from under her hood.  Steam immediately followed the sound.  By the grace of God, she managed to slide into an open spot, without too much squeezing and wheel turning involved.  Disgusted Misty popped the hood only to release a plume of steam into the air.  Cursing, she retrieved her cellphone. The phone, however, was black.  The beeping she had heard earlier was not the comforting texting of friends checking her progress, but the sound of her cellphone alerting her to its impending death.  Standing on the side of the road Misty thought, “Sucks to be me.”

Bit

I've got a short, short story due for one of the multiple writing classes that I am taking.  This is the first 157 words. 

“At the light, turn right onto Seventh Street.”

“Bloody, GPS.  I already turned onto Seventh Street and then you brought me back here.”

Obstinate, yet obedient, Misty turned the wheel guiding the car back down Seventh.  She slowed to a stop allowing a pair of pedestrians to cross the street illegally.  One of the men had bright green hair, shaved into a Mohawk.  The remaining hair had been twisted into spikes protruding down the middle of his head, greatly resembling some prehistoric dinosaur.  The other man wore saggy pants and an equally saggy shirt, that revealed more than one tattoo carved into his person.  Misty was careful to avoid eye contact with the men, peaking out of the corner of her eye at them, while double checking to make sure the car doors were in fact locked.  The car was moving again before the men had stepped onto the sidewalk, soliciting an appraising look from both men.

Bit :)

Troy stood revealing the irony of his own name.  His world was crashing down around him, literally.  One of the oak beams that had been so painstakingly chosen ripped from its place in the ceiling, crushing its way to the floor below.  If it came to rest there Troy did not know, nor did he care.  Much like the famous city, the man was destroyed by a woman.  For what else could so thoroughly destroy a man?  Most men would have fled the crumbling structure, or at least made an attempt, perhaps flung himself out the window in a vain attempt to make a quick end of it.  Not Troy.  He calmly lit a cigarette, sat himself down in his handmade leather wingback and turning his eyes toward the window, watched as his kingdom came crashing down.  His lips formed a twisted smile, whispering the name that had ruined him.  Crimson.                Crimson Jackson. 

Bits

Since I have a lot of pieces of stories, songs, and poems I decided that I would just give them one general title, Bits.  That saves me from picking random titles.  So if you see something titled a Bit, you know it's a slice of something fun.  Hope you enjoy!! :)

Opener

Here is an opening for a story that I am working on for one of my classes.  Thought I would throw it out there and see what you all thought.  Thanks in advance!

             There is a death occurring inside of me.  I’m not surprised.  I choose this.  I can look back and see each decision, each choice a stone, plucked up and carried, until the path that they cobbled out lead to this conclusion.  I don’t regret the decision.  I don’t have time for that.  Once made, the decision was final; I had no intention of turning back, even if that had been an option.  Too much is at stake.  That thought makes me want to laugh, and if I could open my mouth without screaming I probably would.  The irony of the situation is not lost on me.  The light is fading from the window again, I watch the sun make its singular magnificent decent.  The darkness surges forward from the empty corners of the room, running like ink across the floor.  The stain splashes across my bed, and begins its assault upon my person.  I take a deep breath and succumb to the process.  I know that on the other side of pain, is life. But first you have to die.

Dear Universe

Please help!  I need 249 pages by March 20th.  Running out of time here.  Anything you could do would be great!

Thanks
Sara

Criminal Report

            A flurry of both steamed and fried rice lay scattered at the scene.  Eyewitnesses reported seeing a double order of Crab Rangoon’s on scene at the time of the incident; however, authorities were only able to recover four of twelve.  Remnants of the other eight were tossed across the countertops and crunchy end pieces lacking any filling had been hastily dumped in the trash can.   The two perpetrators had clearly been in a hurry to get away.  A phone suffered minor injuries from an order of orange chicken, but once tended to the injuries appeared to be superficial, a result of scooping too much sauce at one time.  A neighbor reported seeing rice flying through the air.  A truffle chocolate cake witnessed the attacks, but was unable to assist.  It appeared that one piece of fried rice attempted escape up one of the perpetrators sleeves, but was caught and flung aside, in a chilling act of cruelty.  It was also suggested that two egg rolls may have been on scene, though there was no physical evidence to support that theory.

Couple O' Quotes

Personal:  "I would like to transition, not die."

From a friend:  "I believe he's been stagnitized."

Stagnitized- to be in a state of stagnation caused by just about any damn thing.  No this is not a real word, I checked. 

While I’ve Got a Minute

This week is probably going to be a busy one, at least I hope so for the shop I work at.  So I thought while I had a second I would throw out some thoughts that I have been having.  A friend recently asked if anyone was having old issues come up, issues that we supposedly already worked through.  I know for myself, this has been the theme of the New Year.  Thoughts and emotions that I thought I had dealt with long ago are popping up.  I have noticed that mine are all over the board, from old relationships to personal epiphanies that I could swear I had years ago.  It started with my feelings about writing on my blogs, then it progressed it something far more personal.  I woke up at 2 am about a week ago.  Now that is not really unusual, but what struck me was that I was thinking about my father.  A touchy subject that I thought I had finally put to rest about six months ago.  Not so much.  At first I wasn’t sure why I was thinking about my father, but I decided to just do that go with the flow thing.  So I started talking to him, soul to soul.   I told him how much I had needed him as a child and how much his rejection of me had hurt me.  Amazingly, and for the first time ever, I felt like I could hear him and what he was saying knocked my socks off.  He said he was sorry for all the pain that he caused me, he was sorry that he had not loved me for me, and that he regretted how much of that love that he missed.  I wondered if these were the musings of a hopeful inner child, but they were so deep and sincere that I had a difficult time questioning what I was hearing.  After a few more minutes of talking, I said I love you daddy, out loud.  I just felt like I needed to say it.  It felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest with the surge of love that I felt for my father.  Nothing in the past mattered, there was only love.  The whole thing shocked me so much that when I woke up the next morning, I half expected to get a phone call saying me father had passed, he didn’t of course, but that’s how powerful the experience was for me.

            I have had several other experiences since then, two of them with family members, and then this morning I found myself questioning my self-worth.  I didn’t realize at first what I was doing; I was just running a story through my head to write down later.  It was something about the story itself that made me stop and take a closer look at the thoughts behind the story.  I realized that for whatever reason this morning, I decided I wasn’t worthy, of pretty much anything.  I took some time to adjust my thinking.  Honestly, I think these things are rising up out of me so that I can take one final look and then release, for good this time.  It’s as though this things were still hidden in my mind, but as each one is drawn to the surface I am able to make peace with the situation or person.  I have felt like I have let go of things before, but never with the finality I have felt with these situations.  It’s like there is a system purge going on, and those thoughts that are not in alignment with who I am now, can no longer be sustained in any form, on any level, whether conscious or subconscious.  The situation is somewhat uncomfortable, as a lot of stuff has been brought to the surface.  Thankfully, these things appear to be taking turns, and I am dealing with one with at a time.  As I feel into each situation, I allow myself total acceptance.  As I work through each thing I feel clearer, more in tune.  I’m not sure what the end result of this work will be, but I am willing to see the process through.