This week is probably going to be a busy one, at least I hope so for the shop I work at. So I thought while I had a second I would throw out some thoughts that I have been having. A friend recently asked if anyone was having old issues come up, issues that we supposedly already worked through. I know for myself, this has been the theme of the New Year. Thoughts and emotions that I thought I had dealt with long ago are popping up. I have noticed that mine are all over the board, from old relationships to personal epiphanies that I could swear I had years ago. It started with my feelings about writing on my blogs, then it progressed it something far more personal. I woke up at 2 am about a week ago. Now that is not really unusual, but what struck me was that I was thinking about my father. A touchy subject that I thought I had finally put to rest about six months ago. Not so much. At first I wasn’t sure why I was thinking about my father, but I decided to just do that go with the flow thing. So I started talking to him, soul to soul. I told him how much I had needed him as a child and how much his rejection of me had hurt me. Amazingly, and for the first time ever, I felt like I could hear him and what he was saying knocked my socks off. He said he was sorry for all the pain that he caused me, he was sorry that he had not loved me for me, and that he regretted how much of that love that he missed. I wondered if these were the musings of a hopeful inner child, but they were so deep and sincere that I had a difficult time questioning what I was hearing. After a few more minutes of talking, I said I love you daddy, out loud. I just felt like I needed to say it. It felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest with the surge of love that I felt for my father. Nothing in the past mattered, there was only love. The whole thing shocked me so much that when I woke up the next morning, I half expected to get a phone call saying me father had passed, he didn’t of course, but that’s how powerful the experience was for me.
I have had several other experiences since then, two of them with family members, and then this morning I found myself questioning my self-worth. I didn’t realize at first what I was doing; I was just running a story through my head to write down later. It was something about the story itself that made me stop and take a closer look at the thoughts behind the story. I realized that for whatever reason this morning, I decided I wasn’t worthy, of pretty much anything. I took some time to adjust my thinking. Honestly, I think these things are rising up out of me so that I can take one final look and then release, for good this time. It’s as though this things were still hidden in my mind, but as each one is drawn to the surface I am able to make peace with the situation or person. I have felt like I have let go of things before, but never with the finality I have felt with these situations. It’s like there is a system purge going on, and those thoughts that are not in alignment with who I am now, can no longer be sustained in any form, on any level, whether conscious or subconscious. The situation is somewhat uncomfortable, as a lot of stuff has been brought to the surface. Thankfully, these things appear to be taking turns, and I am dealing with one with at a time. As I feel into each situation, I allow myself total acceptance. As I work through each thing I feel clearer, more in tune. I’m not sure what the end result of this work will be, but I am willing to see the process through.
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