Day Seventy: Closing Time

            I’ve been thinking about this blog all day long.  I wanted a way to wrap this day up, to show what I’ve learned through this experiment and to thank my readers that have stuck with me.  These past couple of weeks have been an uphill battle, but I managed to get through it.  I did another thirty days of writing.  I stuck to my commitment and completed my goal.  In some ways I’m glad that I did it.  It shows me that I can finish what I start, that I can keep to my commitments.  On the other hand, the last couple of weeks were so rough on me I wonder if it was worth sticking to it so solidly.  Would it have been better to call it and say hey this just isn’t working out for me or was it better to have hung in there and finished it out?  There’s no way for me to answer those questions, but I do know that thinking about being finished with this experiment brings me a lot of relief.  Relief to me, is a sign that you are moving in the right direction.  I am grateful for those of you who stuck it out with me, if there are any of you left, lol.  I’m also grateful that I did follow through with these past thirty days, as long and arduous as they became.  So now it’s time to move onto something new.  Don’t know what that might be at the moment but time will tell.  Take a little break and then take a breath and move forward.  Good luck to all of you in all your ventures and thank you again for your support.

Day Sixty-Nine: Complicated

            I might have used this title already, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.  I also probably used it to talk about a person I call Tom-Tom.  Tom-Tom likes to make things difficult (read complicated), he excels at it.  When Tom-Tom appears note in hand I know that I’m about to waste thirty minutes doing something that should really only take me five.  I’ve learned when I see Tom-Tom coming to laugh, because otherwise I would be overwhelmed with the urge to punch him in the face.  I’m not sure what the lesson is here, maybe to learn how to resist the urge to punch someone (so far it’s working), but I hope there’s more to it than that.  And yes I named him Tom-Tom after those creatures in Star Wars, the one that Han Solo cuts open to keep Luke from freezing.  I also know I probably spelled it wrong.  I’m not overly concerned with it, you get the jist.  It always makes me smile thinking about that scene, knowing that if I’m ever stranded and freezing to death and I just happen to have Tom-Tom with me, at least I can cut him open and use him for warm.  A little twisted I suppose, but it makes me giggle inside. 

Day Sixty-Eight: So Close

            Today was a bit crazy towards the end of the work day, but we got through it.  I have no idea what my two bosses were doing when I left, but I do know I get the feeling that someone in the lab is thinking about quitting.  I don’t know why I get that feeling I just do.  It was pretty strong today.  Every day I come up against something new in my job and I have a feeling it’s going to be like that for the duration of my employment at the lab.  I love my job.  I don’t know too many people that can say that, but I truly enjoy the work I do.  I wish that the evening work was stretched out a bit, but it’s okay.  The title of this blog has nothing to do with my work environment and everything to do with this blog nearing completion.  I’ve been so focused on my novel lately that it takes precedence over most everything else.  I have to say that this tool of blogging worked great in getting me to write every day, because now I am.  We’ve almost come to the end of this blog and it’s been an excellent learning experience.

Day Sixty-Seven: In the Flow Again

            Today I let myself do whatever I felt like doing and what I felt like doing was writing.  I felt excited and giddy though I have no idea why. Nothing was different today than any other Monday.  I had planned on editing my manuscript today or at least the ten pages I have been working diligently to polish.  I pulled it out and stared at it for a minute or two and then put it back.  I think sometimes you need to let the writing rest and today was that day.  I worked most of the day yesterday putting the piece together, so it makes sense that it needs a minute.  I did feel like writing so I put in my flash drive and started typing.  I have eight pages typed today, six of which are completely new material.  I’m glad I took the time to do what I needed and wanted to do instead of forcing the editing.

Day Sixty-Six: When You Reach the End

            How do you know when something is over?  When you watch television or a movie the ending is pretty clear.  The lights come up or the credits come on and you know that the experience is over.  Sometimes it can continue a while longer if you decided to discuss it with someone or more than one someone.  You can even hold onto the experience too long, rehashing every detail until no one wants to listen any more.  The trick is learning to let a thing go before you that that point.  Learning to see something as an experience, thanking it for what it was and then letting it go.  I think when you feel a sense of relief you know you’ve reached the end.

Day Sixty-Five: Quality

            Well I have to admit that the quality of these blogs have gone downhill.  The whole point of doing the daily blog was to get myself writing a little each day.  Now, I’m writing every day.  I’m finally getting writing in each and every day so I’ve lost my need for this blog.  I don’t need my writing tool any more, but I made a commitment to myself to write for another thirty days.  True, I only have five left, but I was talking with my husband tonight and I said that I was sad about the quality of my blogs.  I don’t just want to post drivel.  I wanted my posts to be self-exploration and creative.  I know I’m ready to take a break from doing the daily blog and I will once this second set of thirty days is over.  Maybe I’ll miss it and come back to it.  For now, I just hope that I can keep the quality of my blogs in mind and not worry so much about the quantity. 

Day Sixty-Four: Time to Rest

      It's been a long week for me and I'm ready for some fun.  I could also use a good long rest.  I feel like I've been going and going this week.  While I feel like I have a lot accomplished I can tell that it's time to sit down and do nothing for a minute.  Doing nothing is not easy for me.  I feel like it I'm not doing anything I'm being lazy, since there's always something that needs to be done.  I might feel lazy but I plan on doing nothing this weekend except hang out with my friends, eat good food, have great conversations, and work on my novel.  Sounds like the perfect weekend to me.  Oh, and I think I'll call it an early night.  I could use some sweet dreams.

Day Sixty-Three: On a Happier Note

            I’m thrilled to announce that I managed to get ten pages of editing done today.  That’s a record for me and I was so excited I could barely sit still at work.  I now have the major editing complete and I can finish putting my ten pages for the contest together.  I’m one step closer to my goal and I have it done early.  I am supposed to be working on two pages a day, that was the goal I set for myself, but I’m finding that like everything else in my life I need to go with the flow.  I try to at least get 500 words down a day min. although sometimes I fall short.  Otherwise I do ten pages if I can do ten pages.  I feel inspired today and I’m so proud of myself for all the hard work I’m putting in to accomplish my goals.

Day Sixty-Two: Where Is She?

            Where is the woman who booked a transatlantic cruise by herself?  Where is the woman who decided that she needed to lead a healthier lifestyle and made drastic changes to her eating and exercising?  Where is the woman who sold her car and her home?  Where is the woman who flew to Italy by herself and spent fourteen days on a cruise?  Where is her confidence? Where is her strength?  Where is the woman who took a picture of a waterfall in the Azores?  Where is the woman who took pictures of graffiti in Spain?  Where has she gone?  Perhaps a better question is, when will she return?

Day Sixty-One: End of Month

            It’s the last day of January which means end of the month paperwork today.  This will be the second time I do end of month and I’m hoping to goes a bit smoother this time.  Last time it was a combination of end of month and end of year and it was my first time.  I was nervous, afraid that something would go completely wrong.  We did have a small hiccup but we worked it out.  I think today will go very smoothly.  I have all the things entered that I need to have entered and I’ve got one under my belt which always helps.  Last night I spent about two hours doing rewrites for my story, the one I plan to enter into the competition.  It was a lot of fun and went faster than I thought it would.  Plus I got to use my typewriter.  I also got those checklists made yesterday and they are a great help.  So far so good.  Like I wrote in my journal this morning I think this is going to be a very productive and creative day!

Day Sixty: Truth

            There’s a part of me that wishes I had count those other nine days before I declared that I would do another thirty days.  I suppose I could end this experiment any time I wanted to.  I just don’t feel like I have much to share these days and what I do have to share is personal and might not make a lot of sense to people who don’t know the situation.  My heart just hasn’t been in the game lately. If I counted those other days than this would be my last day of writing this experiment.  On the other hand I have just ten more days to write or nine technically after today so why not hold on and finish what you started?  So that’s what I’m going to do.  These might not be exciting or full of insight as I hoped but they are truth and real life, at least my life.  Life isn’t always cheery it has its ups and downs.  Though I try to maintain a positive attitude in my blog sometimes it’s just not possible.  Not that I’m in a bad mood today, I’m just not sure how to proceed with this experiment with the situation that’s occurring in my life right now, because I want to keep my blog up beat and cheery.  I guess it’s a learning process for all of us. 

Day Fifty-Nine: Snuggles

             Guess what I did today?  Not much I’m afraid.  Sent out a couple of emails, played a game for a little while and then snuggled up with my husband.  We were watching a television series we have on dvd, but I wasn’t watching much. I was enjoying being surrounded by my family.  Our dogs curled up by the couch, one cat perched on the back of the couch and another using me for a heating pad.  These quiet moments are precious to me and I worry that as time moves forward and the decision to move of not gets closer that those moments may slip away.  Still, I’ll enjoy them now, in this moment.  I would rather say that I spent the day doing nothing but being and giving love, than anything else in the world.

Day Fifty-Eight: Struggles

            I think it’s funny and slightly ironic that it took me four times to spell the word struggles correctly for the title.  I kept hitting the wrong key and then backspacing one too many times.  It’s an excellent example of how things are going today.  Nothing drastic is happening, just small things not going quite right, makes the day seem long.  There is a struggle going on inside me.  I described my feelings to a friend.  I told her that I felt like a volcano that someone has jammed up.  I feel emotionally jammed and I’m unsure of how to fix the situation.  I know a lot of my feelings have to do with the impending decision of moving or not moving.  It’s weighing quite heavily on me lately.  I doubt there is an hour that goes by that I don’t think about it at least four or five times.  I wonder what I’m supposed to be learning by this experience and I wonder if I will make the best choice for both of us.  I can hope that I do.  Sometimes I wish I could take the burden and set it down, I’m just not sure how to.

Day Fifty- Seven: Friday Night!

            It’s Friday!  I went out tonight and got my hair cut and colored, it feels and looks great.  I haven’t been taking very good care of my hair lately and it was nice to do something just for me.  Ben is out doing 24 hour duty so he won’t be home until tomorrow morning.  I have the house all to myself with my pretty hair.  Not much of a plan for tonight.  Basically I plan to relax and do whatever I feel like doing.  These blogs always seem shorter on the weekend, but that’s just because I’m having fun.  I would like to report that several of my friends have emailed that they are getting ready to send or have sent their notes on my story.  Just one more wonderful thing.  I think it’s going to be a great weekend, starting with tonight!

Day Fifty-Six: Leaf in the Storm

            I recently sent five of my trusted friends my story to look over and critique for an upcoming contest.  They all agreed to look over the story for the next five weeks.  Considering how busy they all are I was astounded that they all agreed to help.  I was hoping that one or two would be able to squeeze reading and editing my story into their schedule and I am truly grateful that so many agreed to help.  I sent out my story on Tuesday along with some notes.  The problem now is that I’m feeling vulnerable.  Terribly, terribly vulnerable.  I keep seeing this image in my mind of a leaf clinging to a branch in a storm.  That’s how I feel, as though I’m being tossed around and to be honest it scares the hell out of me.  The friends I asked to help me are all good friends and I trust them, still it’s hard to get over the feeling that I just exposed some very deep part of myself.  I feel like I’m holding my breath and holding onto my tree branch just as tightly as I can until the storm passes.

Day Fifty- Five: Go with the Flow

             I probably already used that title but it’s worth using again and maybe again.  Sometime early this morning when I had another one of my one a.m. wake up calls I got an idea for my daily schedule.  I’ve been trying to nail myself down, tell myself at five I will make dinner, at six I will write, eight I will go for a walk, etc.  Then I thought about my daily checklists at work.  There are certain things I need to get done every day and the woman before me had made up these great checklists.  Some of the things you need to do in order, but the rest can be done as you have time throughout the day.  I thought that I could apply the same principle to my home life.  I could make checklists for the things that I want and need to get done and then just work on them as I go in whatever order I feel is appropriate.  I’m not the kind of person who likes a rigid schedule and the checklist allows me to have some flexibility while still keeping track of where I’m at for the day and what I have accomplished.  It’s a wonderful go with the flow idea.

Day Fifty- Four: Still Getting it Together

            From my lack of morning post, it should be obvious that things are still not going how I hoped.  Though I have tried to establish a morning routine I find myself distracted by the other activities of the morning.  This morning I was up at four, but barely had time to do my morning practices.  I had to skip this blog and my morning meditation.  A contributing factor to this upheaval in the morning is the news of my husband going to drill sergeant school.  This news has left me with a difficult, and that’s putting it very mildly, decision.  Do I stay here in Tennessee or do I go with him to South Carolina?  Most people’s first reaction when I tell them of my dilemma are surprised that I am even considering not going with my husband.  My closest friends have all been very supportive as I hash and rehash my pros and cons for both.  The truth is, I would very much like to stay here and I have expressed this to my husband.  While he has been understanding (and we have made no final decision on the subject), he of course would prefer that I come with him.  We have spent most of our married life, in fact fifty percent of it, separated by various military trainings and deployments.  It has caused a considerable amount of stress in the relationship and there is some concern that another separation could break it.  I have agreed to take a weekend and visit South Carolina with him, which is a compromise I am willing to make.  I would prefer to make this decision with as much information as possible.  Either way, stay or go, I have some very big changes coming up in the very near future.  Today in my journal I wrote these lines, “I feel as though there is a great upheaval in my life.  As though there are earthquakes and tsunamis taking place almost daily.  I remind myself to not get caught up in the drama.  I must breath.  I can weather any storm as long as my foundation remains solid.”  So my morning blog might not get done in the mornings as I hoped, but I will do my best to keep up with my morning practices as best I can while I wait out the storm. 

Day Fifty-Three: One of Those Days

            It’s been a wonderful day, despite the strong storms that blew through early in the morning.  The day went smoothly and honestly there’s not much to report.  I have been making notes on tips from the book I’m reading, Writer with a Day Job, and I had a few creative inspirations while I was on my driving route today.  Right now, my husband and I are trying to catch up on some much needed sleep.  He’s suffering from a headache and we were both up when the storms came through.  We made it through the storms alright and I feel blessed that we have a strong roof over our heads.  All in all it’s been a good day and I hope you all have had a great day as well.  Have a wonderful evening and I’ll be back tomorrow.

Day Fifty-Two: Moving

            This year is starting off with a bang or at least the sound of boxes being packed and furniture being moved.  My husband recently found out that he will be going to drill sergeant school and then stationed in South Carolina, at least that’s the plan at the moment, and the military has a tendency to change its mind from time to time.  This morning I found out that my mother and her husband have purchased a new home in Florida and that they will be moving the end of next month, which was a bit surprising since I didn’t even know they were looking to purchase a new home.  I knew this year would be one full of shifts and changes it’s just a bit surprising how quickly things are moving.

Day Fifty-One take Two: Day Forty- Two M.I.A

            I just noticed that day forty-two is missing from my blog list.  I’m not sure if I forgot to do a blog or if I just numbered the blogs incorrectly.  I was upset at first, but then I remembered that I counted those blogs as practice, so either way it’s cool.  I decided that I would still do day fifty-one twice to sort of make up for it, but honestly I’m cutting myself some slack.  This blog has worked out much better than I anticipated and it’s lead to much larger projects, such as the contest.  I had several responses from my friends, (I’m so blessed!) and I have a schedule all set.  Monday begins the first round of intense revision, something that I’m not sure I’m prepared for, but I made the commitment not only to myself, but to my friends as well.  They have all agreed to take time out of their busy lives to assist me.  I’m amazed that I took on the challenge and more amazed at the wonderful response I have received.  I have to say I think my friends have a lot more confidence in me than I have in myself.  I’m a little scared about this project, it’s a big commitment and I will be facing weekly critiquing, which I realize is necessary to make the piece the best it can be, but it still leaves me feeling a bit (or more than a bit) vulnerable.  I choose my team carefully though and I have confidence that they will be direct, yet gentle.  This is a big project for me, but I am grateful for all the support I have and will receive. 

Day Fifty-One: 1 am, Wake-up Call

            I’ve been getting one in the morning wake-up calls from the Universe for about the past week or so.  For the most part I’ve been ignoring them, rolling over and trying to get back to sleep, which doesn’t work so well.  This morning when the call came in I got up and then laid back down.  All I could think about was a writing contest that I had seen earlier that day.  I gave in and got up again and when I did I sat down and wrote out exactly how I proceed to commit myself to the venture of entering this contest.  I already have a piece that I love and I love working on.  I already have the max. number of pages needed, more the max., but I know it needs polishing, perhaps a lot of polishing.  I set myself a schedule for how I would break down the polishing process and then I wrote an email to a group of my friends asking for their help in this process.  I don’t know if any of them will have the time to help, but I am hoping two or three are able to, I did bribe them with cake too.  As I try to write this and swallow my breakfast at the same time, the inconvenience of these early morning calls is pretty clear.  I also see how they can be helpful too.  It’s a quiet time in the morning when some of my most creative ideas come forth and like this last time, a chance to prepare myself for a larger creative goal. 

Day Fifty: Ants in the Pants

           This is one of those mornings where I’m doing everything I can to distract myself from my writing.  I don’t know why these mornings happen, but when they do they tend to be very unproductive.  I have sudden urges to do anything but write.  I’m paying bills, updating my Writer’s Digest subscription, everything but what I’m supposed to be doing.  I’ve been working to keep track of when these days happen, hoping to find a pattern, which I haven’t.  I am excited about today, I get to go out to lunch with my friends and I have an extend lunch (I asked my boss for some extra time).  There is a part of me that wants to skip straight to eleven, which is when we are having lunch, because I know it’s going to be a great time.  There is always great conversation and lots of laughter.  I am also looking to my friends for some much needed advice.  I don’t think this lunch is the only reason that I can’t sit still, but I know it’s a contributing factor.  Sometimes I think I get too close to a writing breakthrough and my restlessness is my way of distracting myself.  My target for this morning, keep my butt in my change, even if it won’t hold still. 

Day Forty- Nine: Alrighty Then

            This morning did not go as intended, but really what morning does?  I have been reading an excellent book by Aine Greaney (that’s not the correct spelling of her first name, but I don’t know how to make my computer make accent marks) called, Writer with a Day Job.  It has excellent examples, advice, and lots of exercises which are easy to fit into my already crammed schedule.  One of the suggestions she makes is something many other writers suggest and I may have mentioned it before, which is getting up an hour earlier in the morning.  I decided to start with thirty minutes earlier and work my way to an hour.  What can I say, I love sleep as much as I love writing.  I actually managed to get up this morning and write a little bit, but just after five I realized my husband wasn’t up yet. I paused in my work and went to wake him up, which means for about the next hour I was taking the dogs out, making myself breakfast and helping Ben.  Now that I’ve managed to sit back down I feel out of my creative element that had started so nicely this morning.  I realized this fact right away and before Ben walked out the door I asked him if he would take charge of taking the dogs out in the morning.  I also plan on buying an alarm clock (we both use the alarms on our phone, but his phone dies frequently  making unreliable) so that he will have his own alarm to wake up to instead of me getting him up.  Changing schedules like this, changing responsibilities makes me feel a little guilty, but Ben has assured me that he understands how important my writing time is to me and that he is willing to help me.  This morning might not have gone to plan, but it did show me changes that need to be made to help me get the most out of my morning writing sessions. 

Day Forty-Eight: Sacred Tools

            I received a gift yesterday, one that is so wonderful and amazing, not to mention completely unexpected.  I got a typewriter.  When I first started writing I used a typewriter.  In fact I still have some of those old writings, for some reason they survived the frequent purges that take place as I go through my writing folders.  I love my laptop, but there is something special about a typewriter to me.  I set it up in front of my window in my meditation room and slide a fresh piece of paper in and turned the wheel.  This is the first sentence that I wrote, “There are some things that money can’t buy; like the sound of a typewriter banging out your most creative thoughts.”  It is a comforting sound and a creative one.  I am truly grateful.

Day Forty-Seven: Who’s Keeping Track?

            This morning I was a little frustrated with myself.  I changed my alarm so that I was able to sleep in for an extra hour this morning.  That of course means that I miss out on doing most of my morning stuff and I had this sneaking suspicion that self-sabotage was involved.  I could hear my ego complaining in the background, “no one is keeping track, what does it matter if you miss a day of pages or don’t meet your word count.  It’s not like you are being rewarded for doing these things.”  My ego might be right, I’m not getting rewarded, no one besides me is going to pat me on the back for waking up an hour early every morning to follow through with my spiritual practices.  What I get out of that hour in the morning is completely up to me.  I can choose to get up and inch my way towards a fuller more spiritually balanced life or I can sleep in.  That hour gives me the spiritual food that I crave and keeps me centered, focused on the positive.  So it’s true, no one is keeping track of my spiritual progress, just like there is no one keeping track of my writing progress.  I do these things for me, for my growth and development as a human and as a spiritual being.  I don’t do them to get a gold star on the scoreboard of the Universe, I do them because I love to do them and because there is a get urgency within me to do them.  Some mornings the bed will win, that’s just a part of being human.  It’s wonderful to know that I can still come back to those things that are important to me and begin again tomorrow, or even later today.

Day Forty-Six: Quiet

            I spent most of today wondering what I was going to write about.  Nothing inspiring struck me this morning so I thought I would let the day play out and see what came of it.  Today was a wonderful day, though quiet.  Sometimes I forget that the silence can be even more inspiring than the loud dramatic bangs that life offers us.  So I might not have a long blog to share today, but that’s okay.  More time to enjoy the quiet.  I hope you all had a restful and wonderful weekend.  I’ll see you in the morning.

Day Forty-Five: Ten Bucks

         I was on my way back from my route for work on Monday when I saw a Jeep pulled over to the side with its emergency lights flashing.  My first thought was, I wonder if they need any help.  My second thought was, there’s nothing I can do, followed by, I have to get back to work there’s no way I can stop.  I drove away looking back in the rear view mirror feeling not so good about myself.  A couple of days later at one of my stops I noticed that one of the cars in the lot had the vanity mirror open and the lights were on.  When I went inside no one was at the counter. I dropped off what I needed to drop off and left.  I convinced myself that there was no way someone’s battery would go out just because the vanity mirror was on.  That night both incidents were on my mind and I couldn’t help wondering if everyone had made it home okay.  The more I thought about it the more annoyed and ashamed I became.  Here I had two opportunities to help people and I choose to take the easy route.  I stayed wrapped up in my little world and choose to ignore people around me in need.  I felt disgusted with myself.  Here I am hoping for a better world, for people to open up and be more loving, to open people’s hearts through my writing and I’m not doing those things myself.  I’m not saying I expect myself to be perfect or put myself in a dangerous situation, but it wouldn’t have been hard or taken that long for me to wait for someone to come to the counter in the second instance and alerted them to the light being on. 

            Friday I was given another opportunity.  I was on my route for work once again and I had to stop at Wal-Mart.  As I drove up I saw a car pulled to one side in the back of the parking lot with a cardboard sign strung on the back.  As I drove by I only caught a couple of words from the sign, something about a family and not a scam.  A bell went off in my head, the same one that had gone off for the two previous incidents.  I didn’t have time to stop and find out though; I had to get my shopping done for work and get back.  I went in and was finished quite quickly despite long lines.  When I came out in the parking lot I could still see the car tucked back in the corner.  I decided to drive past again and take a closer look. 

            The sign looked like it had been put together with whatever the person in the vehicle had at the moment and this is what it said, “Family of three needs your help.  Tried everything, do not have money to pay electric bill, please help.  Not druggies, not alcoholics, just need help.  Not a scam.”  I pulled over and pulled a ten out of my pocket.  It wouldn’t pay their electric bill, but it might get them some food or maybe some gas.  I walked up to the car, a woman was sitting inside.  She was dressed in multiple layers against the cold.  She cracked her door when she saw me walk up and later I would think about the look on her face and realize she might have thought I was coming to tell her to get out of the lot.  She looked scared and cold.  I handed her my ten dollars and her nearly burst into tears.  That reaction almost caused me to burst into tears.  “Bless you,” she said.  All I could say was have a good day, like a moron, but I didn’t know what else to say.  As I drove off I looked at my temperature gage in my Jeep, it was 33 degrees.  It’s true I could have been scammed out of my ten dollars.  Maybe she was going to get drugs or booze or pay some random bad debt, or maybe she was a desperate mother, I’ll never know.  I do know that I felt that I did the right thing.  I reached in and reached out and touched a human heart.

Day Forty-Four: Snow

            It snowed!  Well, I should say that we got a light dusting, but down South we call everything snow.  In Wisconsin, it seemed like there was forty different ways to describe the weather.  Sleeting, flurries, snowing, blizzard, these are just a few.  My husky pup loves the snow and she tends to dive head first into it no matter how much or how little we get.  She goes tearing around the yard in complete and utter joy.  I love the snow too.  We don’t get much down here (although locals would tend to disagreed with that statement) and I miss it, especially around Christmas time.  I love the way the light looks purple on the snow, the way it glistens, the way it insulates everything bringing with it silence and solitude.  Today when I get home from work I plan on curling up with a good book and a hot cup of tea and enjoying the gifts of snow.

Day Forty- Three: Judgment

            As I walked down the dark street I felt heavy, like I was lumbering my way home instead of walking.  I felt heavy, heavier than usual bundled in two pairs of pants and two shirts.  I had also put on my jacket, but that was more for the bright color, as walking around in the dark in black will get you hit by a car, than for warmth.  I had decided to go for a walk because I need to get out of the house and I needed to move my body.  I was spending too much time in front of the television or on the computer. A walk was the perfect solution.  As I rounded the corner by my house I noticed two young men standing in a driveway.  The closer I got, the worse I felt.  I thought, I know what these two are thinking, here comes a fat chick.  Yes, I used those words about myself.  I felt like a fat blueberry (my jacket is a bright blue).  I couldn’t help thinking about that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, when the girl blows up into a huge blueberry and they have to squeeze her.  I was nearly in tears by the time I reached the boys, who were probably about fifteen or sixteen years old.  They were just standing outside minding their own business.  They had no idea that I was using them like a mirror to project my horrible self-judgments onto myself. I was convinced (at that time) that they were thinking all these horrible things about me, when in reality it was all me. 

            This incident brought home to me the idea that the world reflects to you what you project out into it.  If you project good happy things, you will see those things around you.  If, however, you project judgments and/or unhappy things you will get those back as well.  This showed me how careful I need to be with what I am thinking, especially about myself.  It’s possible that the two young men did think something negative, there is no way to know, but I do know that my perception in that moment made everything a hundred times worse.  Next time I find myself in a similar situation I hope that I can take a moment and breath, release all those negative crazy thoughts and keep on moving in a positive direction without all the judgment.

Day Forty-One: Questions

            I was scrolling through Facebook this morning and one of my friends had posted a quote from the actor who plays Snape in Harry Potter.  It wasn’t the actor’s quote that got me, it was the barrage of questions that I asked myself as a result of reading that quote.  What would have happened had if Rowling had given up after the first rejection? What if she had decided, writing is too hard I’m going to go watch television or play games instead of writing?  What if instead of writing, she had procrastinated?  What if she hadn’t had the courage to write at all?  All of these questions are aimed at my own writing (or lack thereof).  A good question that I asked myself is why am I writing?  To get rich and famous?  Not hardly.  Those are two superficial ideas that are much harder to handle than they appear on the surface.  So why am I writing?  I kept drilling that question in my morning pages and an answer popped through although to be perfectly honest I have no idea what it means or how to accomplish it. My reason, my purpose for writing, to open hearts. 

Day Forty: Round Two

            It’s an amazing feeling to get this far with this blog.  Forty days far exceeds what I had hoped to do.  I worried that once I was finished with my thirty days that it would be more difficult to keep up with the blog, that I would lose my enthusiasm.  True to that thinking there have been a couple of days that I logged in some late (and that one night very late) writing time.  As important as writing is to me, I am still having trouble making it to the chair.  Why is something so important so hard to accomplish?  I try to be gentle with myself, but it’s clear that I need a solid motivation to keep me going.  While it’s true the only person really keeping me on track is me, stepping out on the web and making a commitment is like making a promise to the Universe.  I managed to keep my first promise, the first thirty days, but I didn’t and don’t want it to end there.  Saying that I will keep writing is a good step in the right (or write) direction, but I know I need something more solid, something that will prompt me to keep going, something like a promise.  So here it is, I’m going to blog for the next thirty days, including today.  If I miss a day I get to start all sixty over.  We’ll call the nine days in between day thirty and today practice, which I need.  Commitment is also something that I need a commitment to myself and a commitment to my readers.  So there you go, you get thirty more days of blogging happiness (or at least lessons and other fun/not so fun experiences that help lead to a more balanced and happy life).  I’d like to take a moment to thank my readers.  Thank you and here’s to another thirty days.

Day Thirty-Nine: Surrender to Surprise

            That little saying, surrender to surprise, comes from a wonderful book by Christina Baldwin titled, The Seven Whispers.  I found this little gem six or seven years ago and it’s stuck with me every day since then.  In her book, Baldwin discusses seven whispers that she says each morning.  I use them to help me be open and prepare for my day.  Surrender to surprise is the whisper I have the most trouble with, I’m not big on surprise.  It’s back to the act or react situation and as I’ve said before I tend to react.  It has gotten better over the years, but I still need a lot of practice.  Like last night for instance.

            My mother in-law, sister in-law and her four kids stopped at our house on my sister in-laws way back to her home.  They were driving down from Wisconsin and needed to stop for a rest and dinner.  No problem, I thought.  I am slightly uncomfortable around kids, but that is a whole other blog.  My mother in-law would be spending the night and then driving back to Wisconsin in the morning, again no problem.  The first surprise came at dinner.  The waitress put all our meals on one ticket and my husband volunteered to pay for it.  It wasn’t a bad thing and with my new job we had the money, I just hadn’t been prepared for it so it took me a moment to adjust, surprise.  My mother in-law was trying to convince her daughter to spend the night at our house because she was already tired and still had a four to five hour drive ahead of her.  My sister in-law declined, she was ready to go home.  My husband and I talked on the way home and we both agreed that we would rather have his sister stay with us than drive tired; we just weren’t sure where we would put everyone had she decided to stay.  I felt completely unprepared to have four kids in my house even if it was just overnight. 

            I bet you can see where this is going.  We got home and Ben’s sister decided that she was too tired to drive and I went into reaction (read worry) mode.  I felt bad that Ben’s sister had to sleep on the couch with her baby and the other three kids would have to sleep on the floor.  As worried as I was about that, I was more concerned about morning.  Today was my husband’s first day back at work and I would be heading to work in the morning as well.  It was not the quiet morning I had envisioned.  Add to that I had nothing in the way of breakfast food for kids (I guess I forgot that kids can eat eggs and toast, I was focused on cereal), and no coffee pot to make coffee for Ben’s mother.  I felt like a heel and said as much to Ben.  I told him that I was happy that his sister was staying, but how terribly unprepared I felt.  He gave me a hug and helped me gather up some blankets, and then I went in the basement and found my pillow collection and brought that upstairs for the kids.  I thought things would be chaos this morning, but they were quite calm.  I realized that much of the anxiety I was feeling was caused by my own worries and fears that things would not be good enough for them.  My mother in-law told me she was taking all of them out to breakfast and told me not to worry about it.  My sister in-law thanked me for letting them stay the night and waved away my apologizes for not having better accommodations for them.  She laughed and said it was better than sleeping in the car and I had to agree with that.  All in all it was a nice time, even though it was a complete surprise.

Day Thirty-Eight: I.G.P

            My husband and I were talking today and I was explaining my frustration with a situation.  I wanted to see results yesterday, yet nothing was happening.  My husband teased me saying that not everything is instant gratification, sometimes you have to work and wait for results to show up.  I told my husband that I was starting the instant gratification program, because I wanted everything right now.  It was fun to think about at first but I realized that all the challenge of life would be gone if we got everything we wanted the same moment we wanted it.  It reminded me of an old story about the girl who gets everything she wishes.  I think it’s a good thing that we have to wait, that there is a time delay between the wish and the manifestation, it gives us a chance to refine, modify, or even dismiss the wish.  An instant gratification program might sound like a good plan, but if you stop and think about it, do you really want to get everything you wish and an even better question, do you really want every wish the same moment that you wish it?  Probably not.  Some things are worth waiting for.

Day Thirty-Seven(ish)

            Okay so according to my clock it’s about 1:30 a.m.  Technically, that means I missed day thirty seven, but I remembered so I’m going to let that go as it’s only about an hour and a half late.  I’ve been having way too much fun all day and was about to go to bed when I went, oh my god I didn’t write my blog!  So here I am writing, fully committed to writing no matter what time it is.  It feels good not to beat myself up, maybe I am finally learning to be gentle with myself, that would be wonderful.  To be honest, I don’t have anything profound to share tonight, although I have something good for tomorrow.  I’m just glad that I remembered.  Better a little late than never.  I hope you all had a great day, I know I did.  I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow or late today would probably be more accurate.  Thank you for reading!

Day Thirty- Six: Choices

            It’s Friday, yeah!  When my alarm went off this morning I thought, I don’t feel like moving yet.  My morning practices take up a good portion of my morning, so if I choose to sleep in I’m choosing to let go of something else, or at least put it off until later.  That last bit isn’t always a bad thing, in example last night.  I could have posted in the morning and it would have been bad.  Instead I decided to wait and see how the day played out, giving me a chance to post something more positive.  I had to make a choice, just as I had to make a choice this morning to stay in bed a few extra minutes.  When I was thinking about writing this blurb on choice I was also thinking about getting stuck in a rut.  In the most positive routines, in my Gemini opinion, can turn into ruts after awhile, so it’s good to shake things up a little by making a different choice.  Sleeping in today I made the choice to start my morning pages and finish them at a later time.  Today, I decided to go for a walk with a co-worker and I’ll complete my morning pages at the park if I have a chance.  Who knows, I might see something interesting while we are walking that I would like to make note of for a future story or blog.  Making different choices also takes you out of your comfort zone.  It might throw me off a little not having my pages completed right away in the morning, but it also leaves me open to a new experience, such as writing the pages in the park.  Choices aren’t always fun or easy, but if we look at them carefully we just might find a doorway to new experiences.

Thirty- Five: Make Love Not War

            This morning started off on the war front.  The alarm sounded and the fighting started.  The day went steadily downhill from there; I even missed my morning practices.  By the time I went to work I was pretty convinced that today was going to be bad, but I still tried to turn it around.  It didn’t work.  Things went from bad to worse in less than two hours and I felt like my world was blowing up around me.  I had to make two trips out of the office and every time I came back there was a problem waiting for me.  I tried to be conscious that I’m co-creator of my world and all that wonderful spiritual stuff, but I spiraled down pretty quick.  When it was time to go home, I was in tears and honestly I didn’t want to go home, I was afraid more fighting was waiting for me.  My friend had some good advice, start with a hug and go from there.  So I dragged myself home and I admit there wasn’t any happy positive stuff going through my mind, just a dread that when I walked through the front door things would continue to explode.  Instead when I walked in my husband was waiting with flowers and even better, a hug.  So we hugged, and talked, made dinner and made jokes.  We made the choice to create love, instead of continuing the war. 

Day Thirty-Four: Character Development

            After yesterday’s writing I continued with my morning practices, which includes a short meditation.  I realized that I forgot to meditate the morning before and I wonder if that was a contributing factor to my out of sorts feeling.  After my meditation I felt much better, not a hundred percent but better.  As I was getting up I had a thought that made me giggle, character development.  As a writer I’ve been told over and over again that characters can’t be static, they can’t be nice all the time or happy all the time, in order for the character to grow (and thus be an interesting character) they must encounter conflict, they must be complex characters.  When you think about people in real life they aren’t happy all the time.  Every day we are faced with choices that shift us emotionally all day long.  We can bounce from happy to sad and back to happy again in seconds, at least I know I can.  After that meditation, I realized that I am working on my own character development, I’m not going to be Sally Sunshine all day every day and it’s okay.  That’s the part that really helped me to turn my day around.  It’s okay that I’m not spiffy, happy all the time.  Challenges help us to grow and develop.  These challenges aren’t always going to be something that makes you smile, usually quite the opposite, but what I have learned from a dear friend is that you can only go as high as you go low, so the challenge that you face today that might be causing you to have a bad day or worse, is really just the Universe helping you develop your character so you can smile even brighter tomorrow.

Day Thirty-Three: Out of Sorts

            I feel slightly out of sorts today, which bothers me a little because I felt the same way yesterday.  By the end of the day I felt a little better, but all day it felt like something was bothering me and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  The day went well, nothing bad had happened, I just felt like something was biting at me.  This morning I feel like curling up in bed and going back to sleep or maybe curl up with a good book.  We all have days like this, when our bodies want us to go back to bed, but our responsibilities tell us we need to get up and go to work.  In this situation I do two things.  One, I try to be gentle with myself.  I don’t beat myself up because I’m not jumping for joy.  This is one of those days that I remember that I’m human as well as a spiritual being and today I need to honor my humanness.  The second thing that I do is look for little things that will help turn my mood around, even if it’s a slight turn.  Maybe I see a bird hopping through the grass or listen to some soothing music, these are both simple things that I can do or observe that can make a slight adjustment to my mood.  I have to keep in mind that I control my perspective.  I can choose to see today as a bad day or I can choose to see it as a chance to practice being gentle with myself and others. 

Day Thirty-Two: My Mother

            My mother can drive me crazy sometimes. It’s probably a prerequisite of being a mom, must drive daughter crazy at some point.  This morning though, I am thinking about the struggle my mother went through when I was thirteen.  I was on the brink of young adulthood, getting ready to start high school and my mother was getting ready to end her marriage.  Things in our house were pretty bad that summer.  My younger brother and I used go for day long bike rides to avoid staying in the house.  My father was home a lot, though I don’t remember why, because I know he had a good job.  On one of these bike rides I brought up the subject of divorce.  I asked my brother who he would stay with my mom or my dad.  He said my mom and there was no question for me, I would stay with my mother as well.  I don’t know why I brought that subject up that particular day; nothing had happened that would have indicated to us kids that a divorce was brewing.  We knew our parents were unhappy, but we didn’t know the depth of that unhappiness.  When we got home late that same day (we always made sure that mom was home before we came home), our parents were in the basement.  Being the creative kids that we were and nosy to boot, we opened the laundry chute doors so we could hear their conversation.  I can still remember what was said.  My father was telling my mom to take the big television because of us kids.  After that things get a bit fuzzy, but I know we asked our parents what was going on, more specifically I asked if they were getting a divorce, the answer of course was yes. 

            I think about how hard it must have been for both my parents, but especially my mother.  My father hadn’t wanted kids and it was pretty clear that we would be living with my mom.  I went to stay with my grandparents in Pennsylvania for the summer. I couldn’t stand the tension in the house.  We (my mother, brother and I) moved to Pennsylvania after the divorce, but only for a few weeks, before moving back to Wisconsin.  I never thought about how difficult things must have been for my mother during that time, moving three times in under six months, two kids that were constantly fighting, and the divorce with my father.  I know she was depressed much of that time and I did my best to listen and help her, but I was still just a child.  I was thinking about all of this, this morning and thinking that I never told my mother thank you, or how strong I thought she was for sticking to her guns and getting through that time, despite all the hardship.  I remember being made fun of during my freshman year in one of my classes because we were supposed to name our hero/heroine and I named my mother.  The mocking hurt, but now I feel it was worth it to tell the truth.  No actress or superhero could have taken the place or had the strength my mother showed during that time.  As much as she drives me crazy, I think it’s important to remember and to say thank you.

Day Thirty-One: Bringing in the New Year in Balance

            I hope that you all had a safe and wonderful New Year’s Eve.  I don’t know how mine could have been more perfect.  I was able to have this perfect balance of a day, something that I have been striving for (balance), for a long time.  I took the time to play, to be silent, to clean and do chores, to do some running around/errands, to be alone, and to be loud with friends.  There is a part of me that wishes I had been louder, but the more timid side of me won out, plus I forgot my metal pan and spoon because I had a large can a silly string and as we all know silly string is awesome.  I had a string war with one of my friend’s grandkids and got a mouthful.  Rule number one: close your mouth in a silly string war, lol.  I reveled in their horn honking glory and froze my feet watching fireworks.  The quiet of the day had been equally wonderful.  I spent time reflecting and just being silent and breathing.  I wasn’t looking for anything profound to happen, I just wanted to be for a moment.  On the way home from my friends house last night I said a prayer of gratitude.  I want the Universe to know how much I appreciated my life and everyone in it.  I want to express how deeply grateful I was for all my friends, family, pets, spirit guides, angels, and for the Universe/God/Goddess/All That Is.  I was crying by the time I finished but there was nothing sad about it.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and joy.  It was the perfect start to the new year.  Happy New Year to you all!