Day Forty- Three: Judgment

            As I walked down the dark street I felt heavy, like I was lumbering my way home instead of walking.  I felt heavy, heavier than usual bundled in two pairs of pants and two shirts.  I had also put on my jacket, but that was more for the bright color, as walking around in the dark in black will get you hit by a car, than for warmth.  I had decided to go for a walk because I need to get out of the house and I needed to move my body.  I was spending too much time in front of the television or on the computer. A walk was the perfect solution.  As I rounded the corner by my house I noticed two young men standing in a driveway.  The closer I got, the worse I felt.  I thought, I know what these two are thinking, here comes a fat chick.  Yes, I used those words about myself.  I felt like a fat blueberry (my jacket is a bright blue).  I couldn’t help thinking about that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, when the girl blows up into a huge blueberry and they have to squeeze her.  I was nearly in tears by the time I reached the boys, who were probably about fifteen or sixteen years old.  They were just standing outside minding their own business.  They had no idea that I was using them like a mirror to project my horrible self-judgments onto myself. I was convinced (at that time) that they were thinking all these horrible things about me, when in reality it was all me. 

            This incident brought home to me the idea that the world reflects to you what you project out into it.  If you project good happy things, you will see those things around you.  If, however, you project judgments and/or unhappy things you will get those back as well.  This showed me how careful I need to be with what I am thinking, especially about myself.  It’s possible that the two young men did think something negative, there is no way to know, but I do know that my perception in that moment made everything a hundred times worse.  Next time I find myself in a similar situation I hope that I can take a moment and breath, release all those negative crazy thoughts and keep on moving in a positive direction without all the judgment.