Day Twenty-Four: It’s a Beautiful Day

            The sun is shining and we have clear blue skies here in Tennessee.  I was hoping for some Christmas snow, but it wasn’t in the cards this year.  Last year we had snow early in December, but like my husband said he would rather have it sunny and warm then rainy and gloomy.  Good point.  The presents are unwrapped and the Christmas breakfast has been made and eaten.  I wonder if anyone else finishes with this Christmas morning routine and wonders now what?  Although I try to stay out of the crazy Christmas hustle and bustle as much as possible, you do get caught up in it a little bit and I found myself with empty hands not knowing what to do with myself today.  To tell the truth I feel like cleaning.  I have been a bit behind with my house chores with my new job and today I have an itch to get to cleaning.  I think my husband and I might go to the park and take a walk and then I think I might just let that urge to clean loose.  It’s been a wonderful Christmas and I hope everyone has a beautiful day. 

Day Twenty-Three: Believe

            It’s Christmas Eve.  That might seem like an obvious statement, but it’s an important one.  I can remember when I was younger, riding in the car on a crisp winter night to my grandparents house in Wisconsin.  I was nine or ten and I was fascinated by the full moon.  The light was reflecting off the snow and the world was so beautiful.  We went to my grandparent’s house every Christmas Eve and every Christmas Santa came ringing his jingle bells and bringing presents.  I was old enough to know the secret that my grandfather shared with Santa.  My belief hadn’t been shattered when I learned the secret, instead my belief grew stronger.  I knew Santa would be there tonight after dinner, ringing his sleigh bells, and of course he came.

            Years later when I was in my early twenties my mother stopped doing stockings for all the kids.  She believed we were all too old for that sort of thing.  I was heartbroken.  It wasn’t the stocking that held the magic of Christmas for me, I held that magic within me, but it felt like just because I was older that it was silly to believe in the magic of Christmas.  I got myself a Santa hat that said I believe and wore it every Christmas for the next half dozen years or so. 

            Then one Christmas about three years ago the magic went out of Christmas, like a bulb going out on a string of lights.  I had protected my belief of Christmas magic, but that year I was lost.  My husband was deployed again and I saw no point in decorating the house for just one person.  I put up the tree, but only half-heartedly.  The cats climbed in it and destroyed in, I wasn’t surprised.  The next year my husband was home, but I didn’t decorate again.  We put up the tree on Christmas Eve and I hadn’t even wanted to do that.  

            This year, I wanted a real tree.  I was hoping for a Blue Spruce, but settled on a Douglas Fir.  After a small mishap in trying to find a tree stand we managed to get our tree up.  Now the tree is decorated and the cookies are made.  The house isn’t decorated, but this time it’s not from lacking of wanting, I just ran out of time.  Last night we turned off all the lights in the house and sat in front of the Christmas tree.  As I stared at the colored lights, the pretty star and the garland that we didn’t quite have enough of the magic of Christmas began to stir again.  My belief is still there, waiting to be remembered.  It’s a tiny flame flicking in the face of doubt.  Tonight, I will go to sleep dreaming of snow, reindeer, and sleigh bells.  Tomorrow, I will love my husband and we will be together, holding each other in front of the tree. 

Day Twenty-Two: Get to Playing

            Today is the first day of my Christmas vacation, four whole days to play.  I’m so excited.  My alarm went off at six this morning and I didn’t even mind.  I’ve been trying to get my husband moving for the last two hours.  I’m giddy with the Christmas spirit and I’m ready to go out and have fun.  I know playing has become important to me because I’m dreaming about it now.  Last night I had a dream that I was trying to play on a playground, but every time I tried to get on something my husband would interrupt me and start working on it.  It feels important that I start adding some play time in every day.  For the last few weeks it was a rough schedule, school, work, come home and sleep.  I would just come home at night and pass out.  This week has just been work, but I’m still getting into the routine.  I feel like I have finally gotten used to the schedule and now it’s time to make some minor adjustments, like adding play time.  So, I’m going to head out and find myself some fun.  It’s going to be a wonderful day!

Day Twenty One: Almost Missed It

            I had a late night last night, so after one last day of work before the holidays, and an eye appointment I was pretty wore out.  I was just lying in bed and I realized that I hadn’t written for today.  I can’t miss it now; I’ve come too far to start over.  Besides, something happened today that shocked me and I wanted to share.

            I was coming home from my eye appointment.  It was dark and raining.  There is a back exit to the parking lot and after weaving my way through holiday traffic I made it to the small cut through.  It’s two lanes and not well lit.  In the right lane, the lane I needed to be in, were three young men, probably about sixteen to eighteen years old.  All three of them were dressed in black and they were walking down the lane taking up the space.  I would have to cut all the way over into the left lane to pass by them, which is exactly what I did.  I didn’t speed past them; I was just driving normally, trying to get home, when one of the boys jumped at my Jeep.  He was probably showing off for his friends, but it shocked me terribly and my reaction was instant.  I swerved away from the boy and my Jeep immediately fish-tailed.  The boys (I’m sorry I can’t call them anything but that no matter how old they might have been), had to jump out of the way.  For one instant, I’m sorry to say, there was a part of me that wanted to hit them.  It would serve them right.  Who would do something so stupid?  Now it’s true, he didn’t actually touch my Jeep that I know of, but I felt instantly threatened.  When I got home a few minutes later I was still deeply troubled both by the incident and my reaction to it. 

I am not the type of person who wants to hit people with her Jeep, threatened or not, at least I didn’t think so. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why someone would do that, especially given the conditions.  Wet, dark, they are dressed in black and in the middle of the road, how dumb can you be?  Then you jump at someone’s vehicle.  That sounds like a good way to get hit or shot.  I watched the boys walk away, thankfully unhurt but as I said I was unhinged by the event.  Why had I reacted so badly?  I realized for a moment, and keeping in mind this incident only took seconds, I felt a burst of rage.  It was as though my survival was being threatened in some way and I reacted purely out of instinct.  I didn’t like that reaction.  I wish I could have remained calm and just kept driving, but I didn’t.  I got angry, I got scared, and they nearly got hit. 

It’s this type of default reacting that I’m working to eliminate in myself.  I don’t want to be shooting from the hip, I want to be able to assess a situation and move through it without that type of reaction response.  I know I have a long way to go, but I see incidents like these as stepping stones to help you become more aware of what you need to work on.  I hope that someday I’ll be able to keep my calm and act rather than react to the situation.

Day Twenty: Glad I Let that Go

I officially have to give out a, my bad.  I guess it’s a good thing that I decided to let the situation go last week with the woman who was training me because guess what, she was right.  I was going through my notes today retyping everything and I found a section in my notes on how to do the deposit including the computer input information.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was completely convinced that I had never seen how to enter the information, but here in my notes was the proof, in my own hand writing even.  I sat and stared at it for a few minutes, I felt a little shocked.  I thought that I was right (let's face it I was  convinced I was right) and it turns out that I was wrong, completely wrong in fact.  Realizing this made me feel relieved that I had let the situation go.  I’m more than willing to own up to my mistakes and I have to say in this case I was wrong.  Just one more reason that you might want to let that argument go.  You might find out a week later that the other person was right.

Day Nineteen: Six Impossible Things

        I remember in Alice in Wonderland, Alice talks about thinking of six impossible things each morning.  Yesterday, I read a short story by one of my favorite authors and she said that her and her daughter put this into practice once.  I thought it would be a wonderful way to be creative in the morning, so I thought I would give it a whirl.  Problem is, I can’t think of anything.  I tried to think of something personal, like I get a free lunch today or I’m able to buy a house, but those didn’t seem very creative.  I was trying to think of something less practical, but I keep coming up with practical things.  Peace between nations, a quiet Christmas with a snowfall of 1 – 3 inches, things like this kept popping in my head.  I think I’m going to have to take a little bit more time and dig a little deeper to find those wonderfully impossible things.  The practical things are nice (lunch would be wonderful), but I see this more as an exercise in creativity, in expanding the mind.  Even the word exercise is too practical.  It’s a game.  A wonderfully creative game.  I just need to remember how to play.

Day Eighteen: Safety Net

            Today is my first day on my own at work.  My trainer has moved on, in fact she moved on late in the afternoon on Friday.  I was out doing the route and when I returned she was gone.  I knew that her and her husband were wanting to get on the road as they had a long drive ahead of them, I just didn’t want her to leave.  I wasn’t ready for her to leave.  I knew I was going to have questions that she wasn’t going to be there to answer.  I nearly cried when I came back to the office and realized that the office was now mine.  My responsibility, my job.  I was overwhelmed and I felt like throwing up. I managed to make it through the last hour of the day and I also managed to stick to my targets this weekend.  Every once in awhile the thought of Monday would well up in my mind up I gentle let it go.  I would deal with Monday on Monday.  Guess what, it’s Monday folks.  I’m nervous to say the least.  I know when I walk through that door this morning that there will be many responsibilities that I will need to fulfill.  Everyone has been kind in the Lab, especially my two bosses.  Both have told me that we will take it slow until I am more comfortable.  My one boss, who is also a good friend of mine, told it to me like this, “You are going to make mistakes.  It’s okay.  The important thing is that we catch the mistake, then correct and learn from the mistake.”  I realize no one in the office is going to be keeping a tally of my mistakes; it’s just hard to make mistakes.  I feel like there’s still so much I don’t know or at least that I don’t know well.  Some things we were only able to go over a couple of times since my first week was all half days.  I am constantly reminding myself to be gentle with myself.  After all this is my first day working without a net.